


A Box of Sharp Objects

by slythiewrites



Series: House of Horrors [1]
Category: K-pop, VIXX
Genre: Angst, Assisted Suicide, Biting, Choking, Consensual Violence, Cutting, Death, Depression, Fluff, Halloween prompt, Kim wonshik - Freeform, Leo - Freeform, M/M, Major Charactor Death, Murder, No happy endings, Obsession, Relief, Sadness, This is sad as heck, Vixx - Freeform, Vulnerability, emotional distress, hurt/discomfort, jung taekwoon - Freeform, kim wonsik - Freeform, mental health, ravi - Freeform, the writings on the wall, wontaek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-01-23 11:05:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12505996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slythiewrites/pseuds/slythiewrites
Summary: Taken from this prompt:"A killer places an advertisement for a willing victim and finds one."STOP:Before you read I wanna let you know this is angsty af. Please read the tags before you proceed, I don't want to trigger anyone with this. There's lots of suicidal thoughts, depression mentions, mental health issues, obsession, and all kinds of shit going on in here. There's also lot's of well intended comforting, moments of fluff and all that jazz.I was really hoping to make this fic 2 parts, but this might end up being three our four, depending.If you've made it this far, then good luck.





	1. You Found Me

* * *

 

Wonsik

* * *

 

 

Wonsik found himself in a position he'd been in over and over again. The will to care about anything more than the space in which he was huddled in ebbed from his body and left him there in a listless heap. He'd been laying in that same spot for most of the week, save for when he had to use the restroom. His neighbors had come by a few times, trying to entice him from under the covers of his bed but there was nothing that could be done. He had finally reached his breaking point.

He hoped that if he laid there long enough he'd just go in his sleep; silent, and unknowingly. He hadn't eaten since the first time the neighbors stopped in, and even a bit before then. Wonsik wondered if his job even cared that he wasn't showing up again. His cousin Jaehwan was probably covering for him again as he usually did. How many excuses would the company stand for before Wonsik was terminated?

His mother would usually call in the morning, but the phone hadn't rang in so long. She knew he was listening to her, and would just talk about random stuff through the voicemail. Wonsik wasn't sure she knew how important that was to him. Still, he was just too low to want to pretend even for her. So he laid on his side, in the same spot for days at a time and listened to the sadness in the voice of the woman who he couldn't stand to disappoint this way and hoped she knew how much she meant to him.

Exhaustion overcame his body. He hadn't moved, but the thoughts of all his biggest faults had whittled at the reserves of strength he'd built during sleep. Of course Wonsik knew he had to get up. If he didn't, he would just lay there. He was aware that this was the start of a slippery cycle. The moment that depression lets up he's left with ruins to clean up; and even just thinking of what he'd have to fix for two weeks of absence from the world would do tired him even more. In the end, he knew fighting would be fruitless. Nothing could stop his eyelids from drooping closed as Wonsik moved towards another 12 hour slumber.

 

 

* * *

 

Jung Taekwoon, PhD

* * *

 

 

Taekwoon kept his eyes on the client in his chair, nodding at the appropriate times during the long winded explanation on their emotions. 'Sometimes he just didn't care anymore. Sometimes he just wished it would all be over.' The doctor made sure to write down everything he had said. He almost felt sorry for his clients. It seemed a pity that they should not be granted their wish to exit this life.

"Sometimes, I wish someone would just _try_ to take me out, Doc. I wouldn't even put up a fight." The man shrugged his shoulders.

Their session finished shortly after, and he typed up the notes for their record. Taekwoon had a meticulous system for charting his patients. The schedule was set for four clients a day; one slot open every two hour. Each client was given one hour and fifteen minutes of time with him. The other 45 were used to type up his notes and organize the files. Scheduling that time out of each appointment was his way of maintaining organization in the chaotic world he worked in. Luckily, this was his last patient for the day, and Taekwoon was happy to drive himself home.

He lived in a creepy old house outside of town, just where the grass turned into forest. As he made a simple meal for dinner, his mind turned the words of his patient over. Why should it be so wrong to help these people when that was what they had come to him for? Taekwoon guessed that just as many people that saw doctors for a depression of this caliber didn't have the funds to see a provider, and probably lived at home every day just hoping the wind will take them out one day. Wouldn't it be unethical to not help everyone he could?

However, what he was thinking was murder in the eyes of the law, assisted suicide at best. The authorities would place him in jail for years and years just like they did with everyone else who took the life of another. Still, Taekwoon wondered what it felt like to feel the slowing pulse against the palm of his hand as he gripped at a neck tightly. He thought about what ways his client might want to die.

 

 

* * *

 

Wonsik

* * *

 

 

He'd gotten out of bed to empty his bladder and decided to stay up for a while. Wrapped in the comforter from the bed, he plopped down onto the couch and crossed his legs in his lap, keeping his toes off the cold hardwood floors. Wonsik leaned down to grasp his laptop from underneath his couch. It was still on from the last time he used it so all he had to do was refresh the current webpage.

It wasn't the first time he scoured the personals column. The idea was outdated, but always effective for a one night stand. He didn't want anything long lasting because he didn't want a reason to stick around. If a bond was never made, they could never bug him about where he disappeared to for days at a time. So he looked around for a while, messaging a few promising looking girls his number.

On the second page of ads was one that felt like it was made just for him;     ' _Let me take the pain away_.'  His eyes scoured the ad multiple times. The only other thing written in the ad was a phone number. Could it be that this person was asking to do for him what he couldn't do for himself? Wonsik set down the computer and grabbed his phone. His fingers hesitated as he typed the numbers on the keypad. Did cops set traps for this kind of stuff? Was there a reason to arrest him for asking someone to kill him? And what if the person hadn't mean that anyway?

The message seemed very self explanatory, but as the phone rang he wondered if he was incorrect in his assumptions. Wonsik made to hang up the phone when the ringing stopped and a soft voice drifted through the speaker.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

A chill flew up Wonsik's spine at the question. "Yes."

"Once you're dead, you can't come back." It sounded as if the voice was smiling.

"That's kinda the point." Wonsik laughed dryly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Why do you want to die?" The voice questioned, this with curiosity.

Wonsik was quite sure no police officer would ever go this far in trying to sting someone. What could they get him for anyway? Being depressed beyond reason?

"I just don't want to live anymore." He said simply.

"Why not take a bottle of sleeping pills?"

"If those don't work and I wake up in the hospital hurt, life would be that much worse. And life is exhausting. I always hoped I'd die in my sleep. I'm afraid it'd hurt otherwise." He admitted, plopping back onto his couch.

"You're afraid to fail."

"What is this, 21 fucking questions?" Wonsik grumbled.

"I have to make sure you're the right one for me."

Wonsik fell silent for a moment, taking in the oddly sensual tone to the statement. "Do you do this often?" He asked.

"You'd be _my first_." The was that tone again. "We should meet. Are you busy now?"

"I--uh no. And the busses-"

"I can come to you. This is just a meeting, nothing will happen tonight. I'd just like to see the way you live." Wonsik gave his address to the stranger on the other line, knowing that this was a terrible idea, but hoping that if it resulted in his death it'd be quick and painless.

"Perfect. It shouldn't take me more than 20 minutes to get to you. "

And then the call was ended.

Wonsik sat on the couch and waited. Exactly 20 minutes later there was a quiet yet firm rapping on his door. He sat there for a moment, muscles frozen and tensed. What if he had just been saying that to say it? What if this was really it? He silently prayed it was. His feet met the cool floors as the doorknob turned and the door opened. If he had known the door was unlocked he would have went back to bed and let the man kill him that way, but it was too late for that now.

He stepped into the room, black hair a respectable length around his delicate face. His cheekbones were sharp and high, his pale skin flushed from the chill of the winter air outside. Wonsik could not deny the beauty of his prospective killer. Dark eyes observed the room for just a moment before they landed on Wonsik. He looked into his eyes deeply, seeing the hurt and sadness within. The man before him looked like every client he'd seen who wished death on themselves.

Taekwoon noticed though, that this fragile soul had a visually appealing exterior. His skin was darker than his own, but still a very soft brown. Large eyes and a pointed nose decorated his face. His lips weren't exceedingly thick, but they were much thicker than Taekwoon's own. The doctor wondered how such a beautiful creature could be made to feel so isolated and alone.

It was just another moment of staring before he realized how ridiculous he must have looked standing in the center of the room. He closed the door behind him and locked it before turning back to the room. Wonsik watched as the other man moved deliberately to the side of the couch where Wonsik wasn't sitting. He nodded for his guest to sit, and took to sitting at the other side of the couch himself. For comfort, he wrapped the blanket tighter around himself.

"Uh, hi. How does this work?" Wonsik asked, swallowing a great deal of excitement.

Taekwoon felt his blood pulsing in his veins as he watched the man's Adam's apple jump nervously in his throat. His fingers twitched in his lap so he clenched them together in a tight fist, resisting the urge to hold them to the other's throat. Crescent shaped welts were made from his nails as they dug deeper into his skin.

"What is it that you want from me?"

Wonsik looked to the floor smiling nervously. "Well, I mean I responded to your ad."

"Too forward.” Taekwoon noted. “Okay, tell me a little more about what you're feeling."

At this Wonsik frowned. He didn't want to tell the other about himself. No one needed to know how he felt everyday, especially when the someone asking was the one who was supposed to be ending it all. Still, something in the calm of the man's voice, and his quiet demeanor had Wonsik spilling his guts to the man. Leo had been so wrapped up in the discussion of the other's darkest emotions that he hadn't noticed that the distance between them had grown much shorter.

To his credit, Wonsik was crying angrily and he didn't really notice that either. The other watched the tears stream from his face as he continued to lay his heart on the table. Taekwoon sat quietly while the man let himself unfold before him; displaying the tragedy within his beauty. His hand reached out and gently cupped the face of the other, thumbing a stream of tears away. For a moment the eyes closed, and Wonsik took a deep breath, trying to catch himself. He couldn't focus with those chilled fingers caressing on his skin though.

"I think, you should come stay with me for a week. I think you're perfect."

Wonsik opened his wet eyes quickly, staring back at the other man with such confusion that Taekwoon's serious face split into a wide and charming grin. He couldn't help but laugh at that reaction.

"Do not worry. I'm not kidnapping you."

"Why do you want me to stay with you? Why don't you just kill me now?"

Taekwoon nodded. This was a fair question. Instead of doing all of this he could have just come in and killed the man on sight. His skin buzzed again at the thought of his fingers around the man’s beautiful neck, but the truth was, that Taekwoon wasn't ready. He wanted this to be something he remembered forever and he wanted to make sure this soul was healed before it rested.

"Because, I don't want you to die in a stressful state. I want to take all the pain away from you, so that you may rest in peace."

"Have you always romanticized death?" Wonsik chuckled to keep from screaming. The man gave him a vibe that in any other circumstance would have sent him running. He was beautiful, yet obviously broken himself.

"It has to be perfect, otherwise all the risks will have been for nothing."

 

 

The car ride from Wonsik's to Taekwoon's was oddly comfortable. They talked lightly about music, and Wonsik was not surprised to find the man was into classical music, though he did find him dabbling to hip-hop... curious. Taekwoon offered to feed him, but Wonsik turned it down, even though his stomach had rumbled for quite some time.

"What should I call you?" Wonsik asked him.

"Leo. Think of me as the proud lion to protect you."

At this Wonsik laughed heartily. "You seem like you're really soft though. Call me.....Ravi." Leo looked over at him with a cocked eyebrow.

"Hey, you gave me an alias, too." Leo nodded to the logic.

It was just a few more minutes before they approached the house. Ravi was amazed and a little nervous all the same. It was old, somewhat kept but it did need a little bit of work. The man lived here all by himself, on a large lot, just before the forest. Ravi found it hard to believe that this was truly his first time. All thoughts were erased by the feel of chilled fingers circling his wrist. His killer smiled at him encouragingly, guiding him from his place beside the car towards the front door.

Minimalistic decor decorated the interior of the home and Ravi felt it well suited the man from the little bit of him that Ravi had learned in their last hour together. Some of the rooms on the ground floor had no furniture in them at all. Taekwoon gave him a basic tour, showing him where the bedroom was and the bathroom.

"I don't normally have guests, so I only have the one bed." Ravi looked over at the suddenly flushed man. Something about his embarrassed smile made Wonsik laugh a little.

"Guess you didn't really think this plan through." He tried to lighten the mood.

Leo chuckled. " Ahh yeah, I really didn't think I'd find you so fast." He admitted.

"I don't mind if you don't mind. I think if you're going to be killing me, sharing a bed would be much a smaller issue than that."

It was late now, the clock on the bedside table reading at 3 in the morning. Leo was tired, his brain exhausted from the pure adrenaline of the day. He had decided to help someone with a dying wish, and he was answered within mere hours. Taking the man home was not a part of his plan either. As he had said over the phone, they were simply supposed to meet, and then Leo was going to take the evening to decide if this was something he truly wanted to go through with, and if he was satisfied with helping the man who had reached out to him.

While it was true that he wanted to bring him to a state of peace before he left this world, Leo could selfishly admit that a part of him was attracted to his broken demeanor. A fire burned inside of him when he considered taking the man sexually, holding his hips firmly as he thrusted into him. Leo wondered what he would sound like screaming his name in his broken voice. He sat on his bed, considering these thoughts the entire time the other man showered.

Leo thought the request odd at first; his wanting a shower at 3AM. However, he realized that the man might not have showered recently being in the state that he was in, and wanted to be courteous as they were now to be sharing such a small space. He laid back onto his bed in sweats, his bare back lying against the cool linens of his bed. The water stopped in the bathroom, and out came the man, skin flushed red from the warmth of the water. The towel was wrapped tightly around his waist, but like Leo his chest was bare. The cold air prompted his nipples, the small buds rising to greet the man in the bed as if they were not strangers.

"I didn't think to bring any clothes." Ravi said, hanging his head slightly.

Taekwoon chuckled. "I did sort of rush you from the house. Let me get you some underwear and pajamas."

Ravi returned to the bathroom to change into Leo's clothes. He shamelessly smelled the pajamas before he put them on, mind swirling over the scent. When he was dressed, he hung the towel back on the wrack and then put his dirty clothes in the hamper. For a moment he stood at the foot of the bed, and the man in it just looked at him expectantly. Finally he slid himself under the blankets, bracing himself at the edge of the bed

"When I said I'd heal your soul, Ravi, I meant it."

Leo draped his arm around Ravi's waist and pulled him against his chest. Ravi wasn't sure how he'd gotten so lucky; a man who literally appeared to be carved from stone would take his life before the week was out, and he'd also get to cuddle him before it happened. Something felt too good to be true. A part of him hoped they'd do more than just cuddle before his life light went out, but or the night he was happy with just this.

 

 

* * *

 

Night 2

* * *

 

 

Ravi slept the day away, save for his recurring nightmare that pulled him into a small meltdown for an hour or so. The smell of meats and spices roused him from his slumber. His eyes looked over to the bedside table to confirm the time, noting it was now 5PM. He groaned, slightly disappointed that he was still alive, as the man who was in charge of his death hummed around his kitchen.

Not long after he woke did he hear the footsteps coming towards him  Leo strolled into the room, his sharp eyes assessing Ravi in the bed. He made no efforts to move, still curled into the tight ball on his side. They stared at each other for just a moment before Leo spoke:

“Do you eat?”

Such an odd question. Ravi opened his mouth to respond in his cynical manner, ‘of course he ate, he was human’, but he decided against it; he was too tired to have an attitude. Had it been any other person then Ravi would have lied and tried to fake his way through a meal that he'd eat to store enough energy to crawl back into his bed. His relationship with Leo was different though, and that made him feel the need to be honest.

“It’s fruitless at this point.”

Taekwoon nodded in understanding.

“Will you sit with me for dinner, then? You don’t have to, you can just stay in bed if you want.”

Ravi sighed a little at the thought of getting up but he didn't want to be rude to either. He looked down at the floor for a moment and then back up at his host.

“I-”

“It's okay. I'll come back when I am done eating.” Leo offered a small smile before he turned away and somewhere under the rubble and sadness that weighed on his heart Ravi felt it stutter at the notion.

Ravi knew how ridiculous it was to be happy that Leo didn't force him to eat, but he was anyway. It was exhausting having to get up and eat one meal a day. It was more exhausting having to pretend that he was fine and the food was fine, when really he ate so little that even a few bites would weigh on his stomach for days, sitting and churning in the bile until it dissolved into the little energy he used to simply move to the bathroom and back to bed. So yes, he was glad Leo let him lay there and close his eyes again, waiting for the man to return to him.

 

* * *

 

Leo

* * *

 

 

Leo sat at the table with his phone just far enough from his bowl of beef stew to not get splashed, but close enough to still see the screen. It displayed his room, and he had watched the man in his bed slumber all day, noting that he only moved once and that was to use the restroom. The doctor had watched him between each patient as he typed up his notes.

He wasn’t worried that the man would run away with his valuable belongings, nor was he worried the man would try and off himself on his own. Ravi was weak, and couldn’t carry a deed out like that by himself. It was pure fascination that inspired Leo to finally put the webcam he had to use and set it up on a bookshelf in his bedroom. About 20 minutes before the last patient came in, Leo was leaned back in his office chair, eyes intently viewing the slumbering form in his bed.

It started slowly at first; with Ravi tossing and turning in his sleep. He moaned a little, and rolled over to his other side. The chilling sounds of desperate misery made the hairs on the back of Leo’s neck rise as he listened. Ravi appeared to be having a nightmare, but he didn’t seem scared. Just overcome with sadness. So overcome, in fact, he began sobbing. His wails bounced off the scarcely clad walls of the room. This lasted for almost ten minutes, before Ravi woke with start.

He sat up in the bed and looked around for a moment. His shoulders were heaving as he wheezed and gasped for air. It wasn’t but a moment before Ravi was weeping again. Leo’s heart wrenched for his guest, the tragic beauty who tears shone silver down golden-brown skin. With his knees to his chest and his arms around his knees Ravi cried. The doctor zoomed onto his face and stroked Ravi’s face gently, as if he could wipe away the tears from where he was.

“My poor _angel_.” Leo muttered to no one.

It was almost an hour of heartache before he had fallen asleep again.

 

While he sat and watched him now Ravi only stared blankly at the walls, his leg shaking anxiously under the blankets. Leo wondered what had happened in his life to make him so wounded. It was his job to pry into the minds of those who came to him after all, but he could see that Ravi would prove unyielding, wanting only for Leo to do as promised as take him away from here. A week wasn’t nearly enough time, but he had to make it happen.

Leo finished eating and washed his dish, still watching as the man laid tense in his bed. When he was finished he put them in their designated spaces and headed back down the hall. Leo had made sure to turn off the live feed and close the app before locking his phone and putting it on the bedside table when he entered the room. Then he turned to the closet and took off his shoes and the button up shirt he’d been wearing, putting them in their respective places as well.

When he was done, he turned out the light and looked over at his guest on the bed. The man had slept most day, but he looked completely exhausted anyway. They looked at each other in the silence, Ravi's eyes begging him for something he was just not ready to give. Leo moved to the foot of the bed, one leg curling under him as he sat at Ravi's feet. His guest peered at him over the blankets, angling his head a bit to see him.

"Tell me how you want me to do it." Leo asked simply.

Ravi bit his lip for a moment and moved his eyes to that spot on the ground again. The room was quiet around them, save for the fan's gentle shushing. He had never thought about how he wanted someone to kill him. All he had ever thought about was simply getting out of this life not matter the costs. One thing he did know was that he had a pretty high pain tolerance so he didn't worry about that. All he worried about was the failure. The life he'd have to live if he lived. The smell of food as suddenly too much for Ravi, n he felt his stomach churning as if he'd eaten something heavy.

"I don't care as long as you don't fail." His voice cracked, the weakness of his body seeping through.

"Think about that, for me?" Leo asked. Ravi nodded and wished the man would stop asking him questions. Instead he wanted to feel his arms around him again, wondering if the nightmares would stay away again.

"Are you going to lay down?" He asked timidly.

Leo thought for a moment, making sure he'd done everything he needed to do around the house before nodding. Ravi relaxed on the pillow, closing his eyes with a deep and exhale. Leo called no attention to the move as he walked around the other side of the bed and slipped his black jeans down and folded them, hanging them off the footboard of the bed. He slid into the bed and just like the night before, pulled the other man to his chest.

After laying there together in the silence, Ravi began to cry and Leo forced his own hips away from the bum of the other, to hide the erection that grew with every sob the other made.


	2. You've Come to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo learns a bit about Ravi, and we notice some stuff about Leo.
> 
> ***THERE'S STRONG SUICIDE THEMES IN THIS CHAPTER. A LITTLE BIT OF MENTAL HEALTH STUFF. SOME CREEPY SHIT. SEXUAL THEMES.******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
> 
> Sorry this chapter took forever. As you may know when writing, you have a plan but that usually isn't how things go. Anyway, so this story actually is putting me through the works because I have such high expectations and so many plans but in order to execute I have to write and rewrite and beta and rewrite and beta again and so FINALLY I am proud to post this. Again, sorry for the wait but I hope it's enjoyable to you!

 

_ Wonsik had been home from the hospital for months. The silence in the walls of his apartment was almost as suffocating as the incessant amount of guests he had. His mother took to staying in the living room, the neighbors would sit with him while his mom went shopping, his sister would bring meals and chat about her boyfriends. _

 

_ Even his ex came, but he'd never see her. As soon as he heard her voice he'd shut bedroom door, their bedroom door, and wilt on the floor. It was during one of her visits Wonsik decided he'd had enough. _

 

_ He’d been wallowing in the bedroom trying to drown out the sound of their laughter and simultaneously suffocate himself with a pillow. Of course he knew the latter wouldn't work, but his hearing was persistently sensitive to her laughter and it seemed to echo off the walls and permeate through the layers of fluff and cotton the pillow provided. Wonsik huffed and shoved the covers back, hobbling into the bathroom on numb feet. _

 

_ Since he'd been home from the ward he'd been allotted one razor. Usually his mother would take it after his showers but she must have forgotten the other day. He felt a small bit of guilt for taking advantage of her in this way, but not enough to stop him. He stepped into the shower, still dressed in his old Tshirt and loose pajama pants, and drew the curtain. Wonsik sat on the floor of the tub and turned on the water, nice and hot like usual. It rained down on him, soaking through his clothes quickly as he assessed the best way to get the blades out. It was easy for him to snap the razor open, making the three blades easily accessible. _

 

_ Nothing could have torn his mind from the shining, sharp edges in his hand. The droplets of water on of their metal surfaces made something so majestic look even more so in is his eyes. His heart raced and blood pulsed in his ears as he put two of them on the edge of his knee to sit for a moment. He more than likely wouldn't need them after this. _

 

_ If there was anything he learned from the mandatory group counseling meetings in the ward, it was not how to deal with his depression but what not to do when committing suicide. Sometimes the ambulance will try and pump or flush the drugs out of you, depending on how long it's been. He learned that  _ she _ had shoved her fingers down his throat and he'd been made to puke until the ambulance arrived. They made him swallow charcoal until he vomited the rest of it out. Wonsik had learned that hangings often lead to paralysis. _

 

_ Most importantly, Wonsik learned that lots of blood didn't matter if you didn't open the skin in the right places. So he felt for his pulse along the edge of his wrists. When he found it, Wonsik shuddered under the stream of the hot shower (there’d be minimal mess this way-he’s trying to be considerate) and plucked the razor from his mouth. _

 

_ To this day he still didn't know how to explain the sensation as the metal first pierces into your skin, but it made his toes curl. He exhaled slowly as he continued through the artery, moving up his arm. The water was now heavily tinted with blood and the humidity caused the smell to permeate through the room.  _

 

_ Metal.  _

 

_ He could practically taste it as his arm oozed where it laid on his leg. He was already starting to feel woozy, having not truly eaten since yesterday morning. Wonsik took a deep breath, steeling himself against the wall behind him and prayed that this time, he would be successful. _

  
  
  
  
  
  


Day 3

Leo

 

Leo was in the office an hour before his first patient, which wasn't abnormal. He spoke to the receptionist when he arrived to the practice, and made himself a cup of coffee in the kitchen. Since he didn't often make conversation, the receptionist took no offense to him moving silently to his office and shutting the door behind him.

 

The doctor perched at the edge of his chair and pulled the camera up on the laptop screen. Leo had never been more grateful for the seemingly frivolous buy of those wretched wireless headphones than he was in that moment. He had lost one while running, but he still had one left and one was all he needed. Once the tiny bud sat comfortably in his ear, Leo leaned back with his coffee and watched.

The house was mostly quiet and Ravi was still laying there, resting peacefully as he had been when Leo held him.

 

Remembering the heat of the man's body against his caused Leo to shift in his seat. Ravi’s sleeping form shook with each sob. He would further press himself into Leo, searching for the warmth of another body around his. Leo hadn't realized how lonely he had been until that moment. He pressed his nose to the skin of the others neck, breathing in the small hint of him that remained under Leo's shampoo and body wash. At this point his erection pushed into Ravi's back and Leo wasn't trying to hide it. He'd been a little reckless there, he thought back now. There was no way he would be able to explain why he was so hard while Ravi laid there crying.

 

When his first patient arrived to his office, Leo had been completely unprepared. He was curled up in his office chair, legs tucked under him just peering into the phone screen. He'd propped his phone up  against the stack of notebooks on his desk for the day's patients. The patient walked in upset though, slouching all the way to his chair before he looked up, giving the  doctor a chance to sit up in his chair like a professional psychologist would. Leo moved his phone slightly out of his patient's view, though still propped against the stack of books.

 

He was attentive, asking the appropriate questions and giving corresponding advice when it was called for, but his eyes often strayed to Ravi on his phone screen. Though many moments presented themselves where the patient closed his eyes or hung his head, Leo took these moments to steal glances at his house guest.

 

Leo had learned a lot about Ravi by purely observing him throughout the day. It took Ravi about 45-50 minutes to fall into Stage 2 sleep. From then it was just about another half hour or so before he began to have the fits. He would usually wake from them, and then lay in the bed weeping silently for hours until he finally succumbed to sleep again. The cycle repeated three times throughout the day; each time Ravi was pulled from REM by his fits, he would cry until he fell asleep, and then he'd be pulled from REM again. This explained why the man never seemed to have enough energy even though he stayed hemmed up in bed.

  
  


From what Leo had observed thus far, he was confident in his original assessment that the nightmares Ravi experienced both stemmed from and created more sadness within him. Ravi would cry out words like 'No!' or 'Leave me to die!' just before he woke and Leo would cringe each time at the likeness in the tone of voice to the one he heard almost every day in his past, a tone of desperation for understanding. Leo did understand. He understood Ravi more than he let on.

  
  


Ravi was up for an hour or two while Leo putted around the house after work. He didn't speak much nor did he leave the bed for anything other than to use the restroom. Instead he sat up against the headboard and trained his glazed eyes on the television, not actually seeing it, until Leo came upstairs after eating dinner and moved into the bed. It felt as if Ravi were waiting for him to come to bed before he laid down himself, but didn't explicitly say so.

 

Once Leo was under the sheets Ravi firmly pressed himself into Leo's side without so much as a word. Leo counted his breaths and found that unlike earlier in the day, Ravi fell into REM sleep in just under 30 minutes. His eyes flitted across the perfection of Ravi's skin, how he glowed in the darkness, though he spent his days under thick blankets and far from the sun. 

 

Leo moved his arm to pet the hair of the lovely being in his arms. The sleeping Ravi snuggled further into him, a soft hum ghosting the back of his throat. Leo couldn't help but smile in response. He watched Ravi sleep for hours that night, barely dozing for an hour or two before he woke to his internal clock, his body tightly wound around Ravi's fetal form.

  
  
  


Day Four

Leo 

  
  


Leo was unsurprised to see Ravi in bed when he got home, as he'd been watching him sleep between his patients all day. He walked into his bathroom and showered quickly before moving down to the kitchen. His thoughts wandered back to the mystery that he knew as Ravi upstairs in his bed. Inside his chest, his heart thumped just thinking about the man, but he couldn't exactly pinpoint why.

 

Was it because he nervous about committing the actual deed? Could it be he's nervous about afterwards? How would it make him feel to have helped someone kill themselves? Or maybe it was the way Leo felt when the man had pushed his sleeping self into his body, almost slow grinding against his erection as if he was aware of Leo's feelings and planned to act on them?

 

Nothing had happened, yet Leo found himself fantasizing anyway about Ravi sprawled naked and on his back on the bed with Leo between his legs. Leo blushed as he came out of his fantasy before he got too carried away and focused on his plan for tomorrow .

 

He didn't take patients on Fridays so he wasn't sure how Ravi would react to him being home all day (Leo couldn't remember if he told Ravi he'd be off or not) let alone with Leo taking him out into the world to do things. None of the outings were grand by any means, but Leo felt that they were just right for his goal. He'd consider it a failure if Ravi didn't have a chance to see things in a different light. Leo wouldn't fight him if Ravi explicitly said he still wanted out after remembering what it was like to be happy.

 

He needed Ravi to tell him, in a moment where he wasn't in an extreme high or an extreme low, to tell him death was what he still wanted.

  
  
  
  
  


_ “I can't do this anymore.” Her voice was soft, but the words still cut him like a knife. _

 

_ Wonsik laid in their bed, as he had for days, and stared at a red stain on the carpet from red wine they had spilled dancing together in their underwear. _

 

_ She touched his calf, trying to gain his attention. Wonsik wrenched the limb from her grasp and she sighed. For a long while he could feel her eyes boring a hole into his back, but he refused to look at her. After a while she stood quietly and headed out of the room. _

_ He counted her footsteps as she left their apartment: 21….22...23….. _

 

_ What was she was waiting for? He wasn't surprised that she was leaving. He had anticipated this moment, and steeled himself throughout the years. And he was ready to forgo everything he knew about her, but he needed her to close that door. It seemed as if she stood there for a partial eternity. 23 steps but one or two more and she can be out of his life forever.The sound of the door closing came down the hall and Wonsik sighed, letting out a puff of air that he didn't know he was holding. _

 

_ Wonsik felt a little bitter. He could have avoided all of this had he stuck to his plans in the first place, but instead he choose to fall in love. And now he was getting a divorce instead of an early funeral. He practically threw back the covers of his bed and stomped to the bathroom. Everything of hers was gone, nothing but empty spaces where her belonging were. He stared into the medicine cabinet at the sleeping pills she'd been prescribed long ago. Wonsik wouldn't get help. At first he was up all the time, and she had thought just maybe it'd help regulate him. She had fibbed to her doctor and got a 90 trial. _

 

_ But Wonsik’s depression had already shifted. He was now sleeping all the time instead of aimlessly staring at the walls for hours. He didn't need the pills, and so they sat, neglected for a year. Wonsik wonders why she left them; his suicidal thoughts were known the her. She'd heard his sobs; had held him many times while he openly wished his life would just end. She removed knives and scissors and sharp things from his hands before. He grabbed the bottle with minimal hesitation, almost expecting her to jump from behind the shower curtain like he failed a test. She didn't though, so he turned from the cabinet toward the room, not caring enough to shut the mirror. Wonsik slouched through the bedroom towards the living room. He stretched his arm out to grab the comforter off the bed, dragging it behind him as he continued on through the room. _

 

_ Wonsik set the pills on the coffee table and tossed the blanket on the couch. His feet dragged on the floor, much like his blanket had, as he moved into the kitchen. He looked into the fridge and sighed. She'd made him a week's worth of food, as if she thought her leaving would spark a change in him. Maybe she expected him to get up from his bed and go running after her, but he wouldn't. She was never part of his plans, and every day he cursed himself for falling in love. _

 

_ “When I die, this food will go to waste by the time I am found and it’ll be just another disappointment she can add to my list.” Wonsik scoffed and grabbed two beers from the fridge door. _

 

_ He flopped onto the couch and put one beer on the table next to the pills. Wonsik opened the other and took a long drink, downing almost half of it at once. After exhaling exaggeratedly, Wonsik reached out and grabbed the sleeping pills. He didn't think about it as he uncapped them and poured the lot into his hands. They were small, but he had faith they'd get the job done. _

 

_ Wonsik tipped his head back and dropped half of the handful into his mouth and chewed. The taste was bitter on his tongue, and though he didn't like it he didn't stop chewing either. Instead he took the last drink of beer from the opened bottle and swished the beverage around in his mouth to clear the bits stuck in his teeth. Then he poured the rest in his mouth and crunched the chalky chemicals while he opened the other beer. Once he had gotten most of the chemical taste from his mouth, Wonsik sighed. He was already starting to feel his stomach revolting, but he was also beginning to feel drowsy. _

 

_ “Dead people don't get stomach aches.” Wonsik chuckled, knocking back the rest of the beer. _

_ He slammed the empty bottle down onto the table, and they both toppled over onto their sides, rolling towards the edge of the table. One slid right over the edge and smashed as it came into contact with the ground. Wonsik watched it happen, almost positive it had happened in slow motion. The man couldn't help but laugh at how absurd that was, and how high he felt. Sleep was just around the bend, his muscles relaxed more and his he struggled now to keep his eyes open. Finally Wonsik was about to get a good night's sleep, and he wouldn't ever wake to tell the tale. _

 

_ It's not like his life had been rough. He'd had a nice childhood with a loving mother and father, siblings and friends. Wonsik's family had always been supportive and there for him whenever he had needed someone, but he had always felt like he wasn't meant to stay on this Earth. No one knew why he was so depressed and the sadness fell over him in waves, crashing down on him and drowning him in sorrows no one could comprehend. So they watched, their eyes taking pity to him whenever he took part in a family activity. His friends had been lost to him long ago, and now that she had finally taken leave, Wonsik felt he was long over-due for the acts. _

 

_ With heavy eyes he scanned the living room, taking in the difference of color on the walls where her family pictures had been. Relief swept over him when his eyes finally fell and he welcomed death with open arms. _

  
  


_ When he felt himself being pulled from the warmth of slumber to a cold and hard bed, he marked his first attempt unsuccessful. The incessant beeping noises and the light that tried to pierce through the sliver of space between his closed eyes told him he was in the hospital. Wonsik wished he could just go back to sleep again. If he couldn't die, just let him sleep forever. He tried to go back to sleep, but for once his body was wide awake, his ears sensitive to the sounds of whispers just beyond the beeping. _

 

_ “I can't believe I forgot them. I should have went right back when I realized but I didn't think he'd leave the bed he never leaves the bed!” It was her. _

 

_ “It's not your fault, our Wonnie is sick.” His mother soothed. Her empathy made him sick; it faulted her so many times. Wonsik couldn't stand to hear them anymore, so he buried himself under the pillows and blankets, breathing deeply until the darkness enveloped him again. _

  
  
  
  


 

 

Day 4

Ravi

 

Ravi opened his eyes slowly, looking around the room blearily, trying to remember where he was. He wasn't in a hospital, nor was he in his own house, but he was in Leo's house. Leo, the beautiful man who had held Ravi there in his bed. Leo, whose long, pale fingers entwined with Ravi's own while he held him close to his bare chest. His arms were thin but strong as they wrapped around his middle tightly in the night and chased away Wonsik’s horrid memories that manifested as nightmares from his mind while he slept. It had been years since Ravi actually slept through the night without the memories of every suicide failed disrupting him.

 

He blushed just thinking of the way the stranger held him, pulling him close in the night. Sometimes his nose would press into Ravi's neck and Leo would breath him in deeply, which Ravi could admit was a little creepy. Once, while the other thought he had slept, Leo wrapped his nimble fingers around the base of Ravi's neck while his other hand hand still held tightly to Ravi's. He didn't do anything more than stroke the thin skin, his thumb brushing over his Adam's apple and occasionally pressing into his neck, feeling his pulse and groaning softly. Yeah, Ravi could admit that Leo was a little odd.

 

Ravi sat up in bed and placed his feet on the floor experimentally, testing the temperature of it beneath his toes. It struck him that he hadn't really left the bed since he had arrived to the house and the decision was practically made for him as he walked to the bathroom and relieved himself. The bathroom was just as bare as the bedroom was. He hadn't taken to looking at the rest of the house, but he remembered from the small tour Leo had given him his first night here that it was sparsely decorated as well.

 

Cool water slipped through his fingers as he washed his hands, and he rinsed his face, aiming to rid his cheeks of crusted drool and dried tears of the past few days. When he was finished he dried his hands on the towel next to the soap and headed out of the bathroom.

 

He followed the sound of humming and dishes to the kitchen, watching in the doorway as the beautiful man moved about from the counter to the stove, quickly and skillfully preparing his evening meal. The clock on the stove told Ravi that it was 7PM the next evening, and he bit his lip nervously, wondering what the other man thought of him for sleeping for nearly four days.

 

A part of Ravi knew that Leo probably didn't care, and maybe he even expected as much from him. Still he knew he didn't make for that great of a house guest, and the idea of disappointing Leo did not sit well on his conscience. These thoughts exhausted him, and he slumped into the chair beside the table, resting his cheek on the cool glass. He hadn't eaten in four days, and it was finally starting to catch up with him. Leo turned at the sound of the chair and nodded before turning back to his counter.

 

"Give me just a moment, food is almost ready." He said over his shoulder.

 

Ravi let out a weak grunt that made Leo move more quickly at the counter. He dropped the vegetables he had been chopping into a pan and poured a bit of oil with it. Then he covered the pan with the lid and wiped his hand on a kitchen rag hanging off the handle of the oven.  From there he moved to the fridge where he grabbed the water for his guest. He poured it into a glass and set it down on the table.

 

Ravi gulped it down as Leo raised an eyebrow at him.

 

“Drink slowly, Ravi-ah. It's cold water and could shock your body.” But his warning came too late, Ravi was already clenching his fists as the dreaded feeling started to wash over his brain.

 

"Ugh.” He groaned in frustration “Dead people don't get brain freezes.”

 

Leo just chuckled and filled his cup again. Dinner was ready shortly after, and Leo put a plate down in front of Ravi nonchalantly, not expecting him to eat or even stay. He did though, putting a small bit of rice on his plate and a couple pieces of meat that he cut into fours, totaling eight pieces. Leo leaned over and scooped a few carrots and greenbeans onto his plate as well.

 

“Veggies and meat. Rice is filling, but you need vegetables.”

 

Ravi didn't fight it, and they ate in silence. He ate most his vegetables and tried to avoid Leo’s pitying gaze as he pushed the meat around on his plate.

 

"You do not eat meat, Ravi?" Leo asked finally.

 

"I can't lie, the idea that I'm eating something that once was alive, roaming free in the countryside is kind of un-nerving....but yes. I used to eat meat." He chuckled and nodded.

 

"If it makes you feel better, I'm sure these cows were born and raised in a metal cage." Leo offered matter of factly.

 

Ravi rolled his eyes. "No, that does not make me feel better."

 

"It should." Leo stated around a mouthful of food. Ravi looked over at the man curiously. He raised a brow at him and Leo stuck up one finger as he continued to chew and swallow his food.

 

"I doubt those animals are happy, being squished into their cages. There's hardly any room for them to move. They're born and raised to be slain and eaten." Ravi stared down at his plate, suddenly not hungry at all. " I'm sure death comes as a relief to them." Leo said gently, reaching across the table to cover Ravi's shaking hand.

Ravi didn't understand how the man was so intuitive, knowing when to speak, what to say and when to touch him. Ravi hadn't even noticed his own hand shaking, but Leo was already there, holding it reassuringly.

 

"So in my opinion, I try to make the most beautiful meals of them. Make it so their life was not in vain."

 

Ravi blinked slowly.

 

"You cook meals of the dead in their honor?" He chuckled darkly again. Leo simply shrugged. "Don't cook me please." He laughed as he placed his fork and napkin onto his empty plate.

 

"Have you thought about it, though?" Leo asked.

 

Ravi was quiet for a moment. He had thought of many things since that conversation. He had thought about what he could be leaving behind. He thought about what he could be looking forwards to. Hell, he even thought about his neighbors, who had been nothing but good to him and how they were probably worried that he suddenly just disappeared.

 

"I told you I don't care. Just don't fail. Plant a bomb in my head and just randomly detonate it."

 

Leo laughed heartily, much longer than Ravi had expected. His usual calm and stoic demeanor never once hinted that Leo could even make a such beautiful sound. Ravi felt his heart stutter again in his chest, yet he sat silently as he waited for the other to regain his composure.

 

"I'm merely a state psychologist, love. I don't have the means or know-how for that." Leo finally chuckled out, dabbing the corner of his eyes with his fingertips.

 

"In all honesty, I just want it to be sporadic. Like, I want to be out having the time of my life, and just drop dead. I don't want to know about it and I don't want to feel too much of it. And I mean it would be cool, to not die alone." Ravi chuckled, shrugging.

 

Leo considered this statement, looking deep into Ravi's eyes. He must have found what he was looking for as he spoke again.

 

"I'm not going to lie, I was hoping you'd let me choke you." He smiled mischievously.

 

Ravi blushed and looked away. The whole look was really cute on him and Leo considered telling him he hadn't meant it sexually but decided against it. The thought of choking Ravi  _ to death _ turned him on a little bit (which was another can of worms he wrote off as human nature vs budding psychosis), and also because just explaining why that would be his preferred method was very awkward as well.

  
  


Somehow after that comment, Leo convinced Ravi to sit outside with him. Leo had intended to sit on the chaise and read to Ravi as he occupied the other across from him with his fluffy blanket. However, Ravi waited until he laid down in his lounge before shyly sitting down on the edge. His eyes flicked to the space next to Leo and then back down at his bare feet. Leo nodded once in understanding, and made room for him.

 

The man crawled into the space beside him and, as he usually did when they laid together, curled into a small ball, his head resting on Leo's chest. Ravi wrapped his arms around him and draped his blanket across Leo’s middle. They didn't speak at all for a moment, and Leo found himself petting the other's hair as they laid together in the silence.

 

“Have you ever loved, Leo?” Ravi’s voice was curious, baritone seeped with inflection. Leo sighed. He hated any form of this question.

 

“No.” The answer was flat, harsh almost.

 

Ravi squeezed his side just a bit, silently willing him to let his guard down.

 

“It's just me, it's okay.”

 

Leo nodded at the statement and continued to muss with the others' hair, but it was obvious he wasn't going to say anything else on the matter. Once again Ravi felt himself speak out without being prompted to. Even though he was so silent and guarded within himself, Leo was probably the easiest person to talk to Ravi had ever met.

 

“I have. Only once and I didn't know it was love until she'd left me. I've wanted to die my whole life. She hated that she couldn't change that. She didn't want to wait with me until the end. Said she couldn't stick around, waiting for me to die. If it was anyone's fault it's mine. I deviated from the plan. I was supposed to..."

 

Leo looked down at Ravi who kept his eyes squeezed tightly shut. He took a couple deep breaths trying to maintain his composure but he was failing miserably. His perfect lips curved downward in a frown, just as his eyebrows did. Ravi looked like an angel in turmoil, and Leo felt his heart constrict once again.

 

"I was supposed to do  _ this _ a long time ago.” He let out with a rush, and Leo understood exactly what he meant. “I never thought I could ever truly be happy but she made me  _ feel _ something. So I stuck around."

 

"Often times these feelings are ignored by the owner, especially when they are trying to protect themselves. Your heart is so fragile, I can't imagine life has been easy for you."

 

Leo massaged his scalp much more affectionately. It was quiet for another moment between them until Ravi spoke once again.

 

“I tried to kill myself," He offered silently. "Only once though!" He lied quickly, but the shame in his voice gave him away. He withdrew from Leo as he said the words, feeling as though the other might be disgusted by him.

 

Leo pulled the man back to him and continued to card through his hair as if he hadn't said anything at all. He could feel the tears but he couldn't see them as Ravi pressed his face into his chest.

 

“I fucked it up, of course, but now I’m scared. I can’t do it alone, I don't want to wake up again. All I do everyday is wish I was dead and I know others do, too. I know people just wish I would die so they could move on. My ex, my neighbors, my mom… you.”

 

At this his host made a sound like a growl and moved his fingers down to the start of the man's neck. He massaged the muscles there tenderly, trying to communicate with Ravi that he didn’t see him as a nuisance. Leo moved on to rub at the base of Ravi’s neck and it almost felt as though Ravi was taunting him, making more of his neck available to Leo's fingers. The hand Ravi had resting across Leo’s side clenched at the thin fabric of his shirt. It took everything Leo had to keep from clasping his digits around Ravi’s throat. His own hand felt hot and he felt it building underneath his skin. Leo willed his hand away from his neck.  _ Now was not the time _ . Ravi whimpered pitifully.

 

“You are tired. Let's go to bed.” Leo’s tone was even, though his insides felt like they were on fire. 

 

He sat up and scooped Ravi’s body into his arms, holding him bridal style. Ravi stared up at Leo’s striking features as he carried him from the patio to the bedroom. He noticed a slight tinge to Leo’s fair skin, his cheeks a soft rose and wondered what he had said to upset him.

 

When he'd been tucked into the bed Leo quickly walked to the bathroom, leaving Ravi in the bed alone. He moved from the door to the wall to turn on the fan masking any sounds he might make. Leo quickly pulled his pants down to his ankles boxers as well. His right hand curled around his erection while his left hand clenched in a fist and he stroked himself quickly. The imagine of his hand caressing Ravi’s throat was burned in his mind. Leo just wanted to squeeze him in that very moment, cut off the air supply to his body and watch him squirm. He came almost instantly, thick ropes of cum streaked across the wall.

 

Leo sighed heavily, feeling relieved of the tension that had been building up for quite some time. As he cleaned himself and the wall off quickly, Leo gave himself a mental talking to, reminding him of the end goal. Helping others. Doing what was right. Masturbating to the image of his guest breathless was not on that list. He flushed the toilet as a cover, washed his hands and brushed his teeth before he left the bathroom. 

 

By this time Ravi was a sobbing mess in the sheets, which Leo hadn't expected. His knees were pulled to his chest, and his eyes were snapped shut, probably to avoid any looks of pity he thought Leo might give him. Leo however, said nothing and climbed over his body to get into the bed. He held him from behind, pulling the blankets around the both of them. They laid together like they had the last few nights; Ravi resting against the other’s chest, Leo holding him there. There was nothing to be said between them as Ravi’s tears stopped, and his breathing evened out once more.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooh! So many feels!
> 
> I am almost done writing the next chapter, so hopefully it won't take as long as it did for me to post it, but I'm not making any promises. Seeing as I have a certain idea in mind, and I want the characters to come across a certain way makes the writing process suuuper slow here.
> 
> Anyways, kudos and comments make me happeh!


	3. I'll Give You This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's nothing wrong with wanting to die sometimes but  
> there is something wrong with Leo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A whole month later. ㅜㅜ  
> Don't hate me.  
> I'm trying.

Night 4

 

Leo watched as Ravi slept soundly, his head resting on Leo’s bare skin. Ravi wasn't crying or frowning, in fact, there was a slight curl to the corners of his lips and Leo wondered what he could be dreaming of. His own mind wandered back to the patio, specifically to the moment when Ravi's pulse throbbed against his palm. It almost seemed as though Ravi had wanted Leo to choke him; his body language hinted at it, but he himself said nothing. Leo didn't regret the choice he'd made in that moment, understanding that the man seemed to be having some sort of moment, but he wished he'd held on just a little longer, memorized the rhythm of Ravi's pulse thrumming under his skin.

 

Ravi rolled over in his sleep, moving off Leo's chest and onto the bed. His back was flat against the mattress and his head was turned towards Leo. Puffs of air escaped the small 'o' he made with his lips and Leo bit at his own nervously, as each puff of air ghosted his chest. Lust and bile swirled in his stomach, like a sick concoction of arousal simmering through his body. There were so many things wrong about his thoughts the last few days that Leo assumed his brain would short circuit and the fuses would fry as he struggled to sort them out.

 

For instance, Leo knew committing sexual acts with the person who asked you to help off themselves probably wasn't a good idea, but he couldn't help but fantasize about being inside of Ravi. He imagined watching his cock stretch out his tight and welcoming hole, Ravi filling the room with delightful mewls and moans. He thought of Ravi's perfect lips stretched around his cock and taking him all the way down without protest, no matter how many times he gagged...

 

Leo slid from the bed quietly and stood beside it, looking down at Ravi's sleeping form. The moonlight bounced off the white walls of the room, giving Ravi's golden skin a bluish hue. Absently, Leo wondered if that might be how he would look when the blood stopped pumping throughout his body.

 

The room wasn't terribly cold, but there was a chill. The blankets had shifted in his sleep and Ravi's nipples were exposed and somewhat hard. Leo wanted to take the darling buds into his mouth but resisted; instead slipping his hand into own his boxers and wrapping  it around his cock. With his grip clenched tight Leo slowly began to stroke himself. He groaned softly, as he closed his eyes; seeing Ravi's tear stained face at the back of his mind.

 

There was no doubt in his mind that he could satisfy Ravi sexually, but he had a strong inkling that the other might be just as fantastic on the other end. Leo shuddered now, stuck on the idea of Ravi's throbbing cock inside of him, wrecking him mercilessly. Leo continued, moving at a pace so _agonizing_ and _slow_ he was shaking. For moments that felt like hours his strokes were deliberate and controlled.

 

When Leo felt the orgasm threatening to spread through his body he used his free hand to move down his own body and in between his legs. He put two fingers just under his balls, and pressed them firmly against his skin just as he began to cum. Leo knew what he had done was wrong, and what better form of punishment than denial? It made him feel somewhat better about jacking off to unsound thoughts in the first place, like he'd paid for his actions. As expected, nothing came out, and though he was not nearly as satisfied, Leo was still brought to his knees as the orgasm wracked through him. He slumped against the bed, closing his eyes for just a moment to catch his breath.

  
  
  


It was a _long_ moment before Leo came to again. Leo had forgotten to close the blinds over the patio last night, and the sun was just over the horizon now, bathing the room in a soft orange that complemented Ravi's skin. He seemed to glow in this light, like a tiny star that was only his to have. With the heavy fog of lust clear from his mind he felt disgusted at his actions. His skin prickled like bugs crawled all over him.

 

When Leo stood, the nerves in his legs and feet went alight with feeling for the first time in countless hours, and he had to brace himself against the bed to be sure he wouldn't fall. The moment he was able to balance on his own feet he moved to the dresser quickly and grabbed a pair of clean boxers and sleep pants and turned for the bathroom.

 

He set the water to hot and rolled his neck and shoulders while he waiting for it to warm up. Just the strain on his muscles as he pulled the boxers off his skin was telling enough of how sore he would be that day.

 

Leo stepped in the shower and hissed at the intense heat. For just a moment he stood there, letting the water beat off the skin of his aching back. Then he drizzled the soap over his loofah and began to scrub his skin clean, trying to rid himself of the disgusting thoughts.

 

 _He wanted to help_ ; _that's it_ . _Ravi's death wasn't his pleasure_.

 

Leo washed his body over and over until his skin was pink from irritation, as if eventually he'd be able to cleanse his conscious of his own vile forms of self satisfaction.

The door to the bathroom opened and Leo watched curiously as Ravi shuffled into the bathroom sleepily and lifted the lid on the toilet to pee. Leo lived alone, so he hadn't ever thought of buying anything past the clear shower curtain liners that kept water in the tub. Knowing this, Ravi still stood in the same bathroom as him, both of them naked and separated by a thin piece of plastic that Leo would rip to shreds in moments if Ravi asked him to.

 

“It's so warm in the bathroom but it's cold in the bed, Leo." Ravi yawned as he looked over at Leo with sleepy eyes and a smile to match.

 

Leo watched as Ravi somewhat nodded off above the toilet, somehow still managing to keep his aim straight. When he finished, he yawned again and put the lid down before he pulled up his boxers. Ravi washed his hands and dried them off on the towel that Leo had set out to use after his shower.

 

"Flush the toilet when you're done." He called over his shoulder as he shuffled out of the bathroom and presumably back to bed.

 

Leo finished washing quickly, trying to keep his mind completely blank as he did. The thought of Ravi's eyes, wrinkled at the corners from sleep  and looking over his body. In the heat of the bathroom, it was too easy to fall back into thinking lustful thoughts, and Leo wanted to get a few more hours of sleep in before they started their first full day together.

 

Ravi was sound asleep by the time Leo dressed and exited the bathroom. He had ditched the blanket and stretched across the bed awkwardly. The sun played off his chest, golden rays cast on golden skin. His dark hair fell into his face obstructing his eyes but Leo knew he was asleep by the way his chest rose and fell rhythmically. He took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders again. The shower had done little to nothing for his sore muscles and his back still ached, especially when he moved his body to line up with Ravi’s.

 

The warm skinned angel in his bed hummed as they slotted together. Ravi settled into Leo’s arms, pressing their bodies together like he often did. Though his shoulders still felt tight, Leo wrapped his arms around Ravi’s waist, holding him as if his life depended on in. Leo buried his nose in Ravi’s neck for comfort, kissing the skin softly. In his sleep, Ravi made a contented sound once again. The position was familiar and comfortable, so sleep began to settle over his body, relaxing his muscles and his mind. Not ten minutes later, both of them rested soundly, their soft snores being the only thing that could be heard throughout the room.

 

>

>>

>

 

Leo roused to the sun blazing much more brightly in the room. He still had not closed the blinds to the patio last night, he realized, and the sun was bouncing off the walls in a blinding fashion. Beside him Ravi lay curled in the same position; hot and a little wet with sweat from laying so close together for so long.

 

The room was silent as Leo tried to wake and adjust his eyes to the brightness. Then Ravi whimpered something peculiar, and Leo cocked his head in wonder as the sound flitted from his mouth, so soft Leo wasn't sure he hadn't imagined it. Until Ravi pushed himself into Leo's crotch that is, with another one of those agonizingly soft sounds. Leo bit his lip hard, willing himself to wake up if this was some kind of fucking wet dream. Ravi grinded against him once more, quietly begging for Leo to fuck him.

 

Leo felt his cock harden almost instantly; the confirmation he'd been waiting for was finally here. His long fingers trailed the edge of Ravi's boxers, gliding across the skin there. For a moment they razed over the soft line of fuzz that started just below Ravi's navel causing him to shudder at the teasing touch.

 

Lips pressed heavy kisses into Ravi's neck as Leo's fingers followed that trail down beneath the boxers towards Ravi's cock. Ravi let out a salacious moan when Leo's warm fingers wrapped around his erection. Leo's head was spinning. He was impressed by the girth and the length of the man he was holding. His fantasies hadn't done Ravi any justice, and Leo resolved to make up for his clouded judgment.

 

He let go of Ravi’s cock and pulled his hand from inside his boxers. Ravi waited patiently as Leo turned him over and climbed on top of him. At this moment, Leo realized two things: 1. Ravi was actually asleep which meant 2. Ravi was having a naughty dream about him.

 

Leo felt like his skin was on fire.

  
  
  
  


Ravi

_Ravi had forgotten to bring his clothes to the bathroom for after his shower. He'd hoped to sneak into the room and grab them but instead he was greeted by Leo, crouching in front of the tv wearing only a flattering pair of boxers briefs providing the perfect view of his firm ass and strong thighs. Ravi stopped in the doorway, clenching at the towel around his waist for his life._

 

_Every part of Ravi wanted to be in between those powerful thighs in all the different positions; fucking, or being fucked by, Leo. The lack of shirt showed off arms that went on for miles. After the arms came large hands, and long fingers and Ravi remembered how they felt on his face… his body...his neck._

 

_"Would you like to watch a movie with me, Ravi?" Leo asked, looking back at him over his bare shoulder._

 

_Ravi stared at the other man with his mouth wide open. He knew he should respond but he couldn't say ‘Actually Leo, I want you to stick those long fingers of yours in my mouth so I can prep them for my ass.’ now could he?_

 

_Leo tinkled a charming little sound and stood from his crouch, turning towards him. He could now see the way those wide shoulders were attached to a broad chest too. It seemed fitting that Leo’s skin was bare under his navel, versus the line of hair Ravi sported. Ravi worried his bottom lip in frustration._

 

He just wanted to touch him.

 

_"Ravi?"_

 

_He cocked his head to the side, taking a few deliberate steps towards him. He noted how Leo’s voice was slightly suggestive. Ravi shook his head and clamped his mouth shut, and Leo smiled something sinister, now within an arm's reach._

 

_"You look like you really want to say something to me, Ravi.”_

 

_"Stop saying my name like that." Ravi blurted, immediately regretting the slip._

 

_"You want me to stop?" He asked, his voice dripping with something Ravi hadn't yet heard on his tongue, he didn't know what it was but he could listen to it all night._

 

_Leo reached out without stepping forward, his lengthy arm spanning the couple feet between them easily. His eyes stared right into Ravi's as he wheedled his fingers between Ravi's taking hold of the towel. The man was weak against him, standing stock still as the only thing covering his bare lower half fell to the ground._

 

"Ravi!"

  


Day 5

  


Ravi woke with a start, popping out of his dream to feel real fingers cruising the skin of his thighs. Leo was positioned on his knees between Ravi's legs, eyes narrowed and trained right on Ravi's face. Leo smiled wickedly, looming hungrily over the erection that the thin boxers Ravi had been wearing did nothing to hide. Felt like a rabbit in the sights of a wolf when they made eye contact.

 

“Oh, good, you're awake.” Leo chuckled, feigning innocence. His eyes stayed on Ravi's while his lips kissed the skin where his pelvis met his leg.

 

“How could I sleep through that?” He breathed out in response.

 

“Funny, I found myself thinking the same thing.” Leo murmured with a chuckle. “I have a beautiful day planned for you.”

 

Leo hooked his fingers into Ravi’s boxers and began to slide them down his body, baring his lower half. Ravi's hardened cock stood between them, and Leo took hold of it firmly before pressing a kiss to the base of his shaft. He licked a long, wet stripe up his cock, circling his tongue over the head.

 

“Fuck-don’t you have work?” Ravi breathed deeply, his mind clouded by lust.

 

Leo merely hummed as he wrapped his lips around Ravi's cock and sank down towards his crotch. As his nose brushed the line of hair that spanned his skin he inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of his cock. This action of being sniffed felt so primal that Ravi squirmed. Leo placed his hand over the man's hip to minimize his movement, and then he continued at the slow and torturous pace, bobbing his head slowly up and down on the others cock.

 

“Leo-”

 

The man let his cock fall from his mouth with a pop.

 

“It's Friday, love. I do not work Fridays, as we discussed last night. I am yours to use as you please.” He winked before diving back down between Ravi's legs.

 

Ravi groaned again, trying to keep his thoughts straight as Leo's lips caressed the tender skin of his thighs once again.

 _Why was Leo being so affectionate and sexual? Was going along with it okay? Could he do this, knowing he felt a turmoil of emotions towards Leo, and risk it all again_?

 

It's not that Ravi didn't want it but he didn't know what to do with himself. He wasn't prepared, and thusly felt wildly caught off guard by all of this.

 

“You know what I want from you.” Ravi says, and he doesn't know why he's playing it safe, but Leo sees right through the facade.

 

“Is that _all_ you want, my love?” Leo let his teeth graze across his thigh teasingly. “Does it not please you, to see me on my knees?”

 

Of course the sight of the man between his legs was amazing, and the feeling of being wanted had him reeling. Ten fingers slid up his legs and thighs, moving up his sides and stopping at his chest. His nipples were being fondled and Ravi was beginning to lose himself.

 

“Leo -”

 

Leo pressed a finger to Ravi’s lips, who in turn stopped speaking. Ravi opened his mouth slowly and took the digit between his teeth while Leo let out a breathy sigh. Warm lips were once again around his cock. Leo sucked desperately, as if he couldn't get enough of him. Ravi fisted the sheets, sucking Leo’s finger just the same. When the tip of his cock grazed the back of Leo's throat Ravi couldn't take anymore, sitting up and pulling the other man from his mouth.

 

Leo looked up curiously as Ravi gently guided him away from his cock by the hair. He scooched off the bed and stood at the side, stepping out of his boxers. Then he stood there for a moment, face flushed pink from vulnerability and arousal.

 

"Right here." He pointed to the floor in front of him, his voice wavering only just.

 

Leo smirked something fierce and crawled to the edge of the bed, slowly making his way to the spot on the floor where Ravi was pointing. Leo sat back on his heels and placed his hands on his knees as he stared up at Ravi with that same smirk on his face.

 

"Please stop looking at me like you want to eat me."

 

Leo's expression remained the same, though he licked his lips seductively.

 

“I’d eat you out if you'd let me."

 

Ravi hissed as those words sizzled across his skin. "Why are you being so fucking dirty right now?"

 

Leo chuckled at his question. "I am merely _responding_ to your desires."

 

Ravi blushed, thinking of his dream and wanted to ask how he knew, but Leo had already began to suck him off again. The pupils of his eyes were blown so wide that they were completely black as he stared into Ravi's. Nails dragging up Ravi's thighs caused his knees to buckle. Leo held his hips in place with large hands, keeping Ravi from falling over. Ravi realized that though the other man was on his knees, he was still completely in control of the situation.

 

This was not something that Leo had a problem reminding him of, either. He would edge Ravi to the point of begging, teasing him as he cried out Leo’s name. Bruises would surely form where Leo's hands on Ravi's waist as he gripped the man tightly. The tips of his nails dug into each ass cheek and the stinging pain of was just enough to bring Ravi to the edge.

 

“Leo I'm gonna-”

 

 _Explode_!

 

He wanted to say, but he couldn't think, let alone speak when Leo let his teeth run the underside of his shaft teasingly. Ravi moaned out his name and Leo swallowed around him. His nose pressed into Ravi’s skin and Leo's warm breath against his crotch sent a chill up his spine. He came loudly, holding Leo firmly against him as he released into the other's throat. Leo moaned himself, swallowing every bit of Ravi as if this was the last thing he'd ever drink.

 

Above him, Ravi looked every bit a God as the books described. Ravi's head was angled towards the ceiling, his skin glowed, his stomach was flat and his arms and shoulders were toned as if he used to spend time in the gym. Leo reached up and trailed down his shoulders to his strong arms. The muscles flexed beneath Ravi's skin as he continued to hold onto Leo's head tightly as he came down.

 

It was just a few moments before his grip laxed and Leo could pull away. Ravi looked back to Leo who grinned devilishly at him as he licked his lips and stood slowly. They stood there facing one another for a long while looking each other over. Leo was breathing deeply while Ravi wasn't sure if he was breathing at all. All it took was Leo’s hand was against his cheek and it was then Ravi realised he hadn't been breathing at all. When he did finally breathe, the first breath sent his head spinning.

 

Leo's thumb brushed Ravi’s cheekbone gently and in its wake, Ravi’s skin tingled. He wished Leo would say something, or at least not look at him in a way that lit Ravi's whole body on fire, but he knew he wouldn't do either of those things; Leo wasn't one to say much that didn't carry weight, and well, Leo _always_ looked at him like that.

 

The endorphin crash happened unexpectedly fast and Ravi sunk to the bed, Leo’s hand falling from his face. The man peered at him curiously, though his eyes came to understand as Ravi made a move towards the pillows. Leo shook his head and pulled him by the wrist, but was ineffective against his thin bones. He slipped from the man's hold and let his arm fall to his side.

 

Leo poked his calf from where he still stood at the end of the bed. “No, not today. Shower, then get dressed. I want to go and get breakfast.”

 

“I'm already spent.” Ravi lamented dramatically.

 

He rolled onto his back, hand across his forehead. The corners of Ravi's lips lifted slightly, and he pursed them together in an effort to stop smiling but it didn't help. He _was_ tired, but he was still aware how cosseted he sounded.

 

“How could something so utterly breathtaking be so completely spoiled?” Leo asked after a moment, his tone amused.

 

Ravi groaned, this time sitting up against his elbow and considering Leo for a long moment.

 

“This is your doing. You've done nothing but lay beside me. Of course I'm spoiled to the comforts of this bed.” Ravi huffed. “Where are you taking me?”

 

Leo laughed, turning away from him  and moving into his closet to pick out their clothes for the day.

 

“Don't try to ruin the surprise!”

  
  


>

>>

>

  
  
  


Ravi pouted in the passenger's seat most of the drive. His host wouldn't give him any answers at all regarding the day's plans, and though he found that slightly irritating, he couldn't help but be excited all the same. Ravi hadn't been outside of the house since he'd came to Leo's, and longer still before that. The weight of the silk of the white button-up Leo gave him for the day felt foreign to his skin. Then there was the warmth of the sun on his thighs through the dark jeans. Ravi was feeling so many things at once  and he sat in his seat trying not to explode.

 

Leo listened to a podcast about serial killers, which Ravi announced was 'humorously predictable'.

 

"Of course the very young and attractive doctor who lives on the outskirts of town listens to podcasts about his fellow comrades in hopes to one day join them in history!" Ravi grinned wickedly at his own joke. Leo rolled his eyes, though his tips of his ears were now tinted a slight pink.

 

Ravi changed the subject as he stared out the window, for which Leo was grateful. “I never noticed how far you lived from town until now.”

 

“You never ventured out?” He asked, though he knew the answer. Leo had been watching the other man toss and turn in the sheets for most the week, but Ravi didn't know that.

 

“I--no. I’ve stayed in the room mostly…been tired.” He finished lamely. Leo just smiled and reached over, patting the other's knee comfortingly.

 

“That's alright. I'll show you the other rooms of the house tomorrow, if you'd like?” And he flashed a smile so sickenly sweet that Ravi felt his insides melt into a pile of goop.

 

“How did you find this house?” Ravi changed the subject, again, though this time he sported pink cheeks.

 

Leo hummed, tapping Ravi’s knee with his index finger.

 

“Family heirloom, I guess. My great uncle used to live there long ago, with his wife and twin boys but something happened and they all died.” Leo shrugged half-heartedly.

 

“ _Something_ happened.” Ravi raised an eyebrow doubtfully. “Is this where you confess to me that you're actually a vampire, and you've been taking out mortals for hundreds of years?”

 

Leo chuckled at his imagination.

 

“It'd make a lot of sense, honestly. Random hot guy, lives alone, doesn't like to answer personal questions, has a slightly creepy demeanor-”

 

“Slightly creepy?!” Leo asked, his face shocked. Ravi couldn't help but laugh.

 

“I…..well?! You have vampire written all over that pretty face.”

 

“What if I was, how would you feel?” Leo actually seemed amused.

 

Ravi considered the question for a long while.

 

“Uncomfortable. I’m sure you'd change me which means I'd just live forever.”

 

Leo rolled his eyes. “Always so morbid with you. Death, death, death.” He mocked.

 

“Well, what really happened to your family then, if it wasn't you?” Ravi chuckled.

 

“I told you, they died. It was the early 1900s it could have been anything.”

 

Once again, Leo shut down the conversation with such finality that Ravi felt his happiness fleeting from him like helium from a balloon. He wasn't sure why, but he suddenly wasn't enjoying the feeling of the hot sun burning his skin through his jeans, and the fabric of the shirt seemed to be weighing on his chest and shoulders. The car felt extremely small, and they were so close together, yet still he and Leo were on completely different planes.

 

Ravi rolled the window down for fresh air before he realized that Leo had the air on. It was too late to roll the window back up now, and he very well couldn't just turn the air off without asking. He felt himself slipping further down the slope of unbridled anxieties. Fire pricked under the skin of his eyelids and he scrunched them closed, willing himself not to cry. Neither occupant said a word for the rest of the car ride and Ravi worried that maybe he couldn't exactly do a whole day out of the house.

  
  


Leo

 

They got coffee and donuts in town. Ravi suggested they sit outside with a heavy sigh, and Leo nodded in support of the idea though he knew Ravi wasn't feeling it anymore. He felt guilty of the way he shut Ravi out in the car. The smile on his face withered quickly after. Leo cursed himself for spoiling the day so soon. When Ravi picked a table, Leo pulled his chair close enough to Ravi's that their knees bumped each other's more than occasionally.

 

After a few moments on eating and silence Leo cleared his throat. Leo didn't expect Ravi to look up at him, which he didn't, but that didn't stop Leo from continuing anyway. He firstly apologized, trying to not sound like a walking cliche and carefully choosing his words. It was short and meaningful, Leo thought anyway, and then he moved on telling Ravi a little bit of his own personal life; like how Leo was 8 when his mother and father had moved into the house when he was a child and his parents never left. He moved away for college but moved back shortly after graduation because his parents died.

 

“You seem to find death so easily.” Ravi teased, taking a sip of his coffee. He still didn't dare to look over at Leo, but he was curious.

 

“Well my mum killed herself and my dad just had a heart attack one day a few years after.” He responded matter of factly.

 

“She killed herself?” Morbid curiosity painted Ravi's face as he turned to look at him.

 

“She was like you. Life was hard for her. Even harder with a kid around.”

 

Ravi nodded and looked back down. He couldn't imagine having a child to look after on top of his depression.

 

“How was it for you?” Ravi asked, picking at the label on his coffee.

 

Leo chuckled. “As a child I was oblivious. She had a pretty good game face for me, so I knew nothing until around the first time she tried to kill herself. By then I was 16. I pitied her, but my father was not understanding. I couldn't stick around and be so cruel: ‘She just needs to get her head out of her ass! Life sucks all over! She's just weak!’ he'd say whenever I suggested treatment. So I went to college to learn about the human mind. My father thought I was naive, but I wanted to help her. She died while I was in my last year of school, though, not even my father was by her side.”

 

“Holy shit.” Ravi muttered, still picking at the label of his coffee.

 

“But that is the past! And you are the present. Let's get going.” Leo smiled softly, standing from the table and encouraging Ravi to do the same. They tossed their drinks into the outside trash and crossed the small street to the market.

 

>>

 

Leo drug Ravi through the grocery store and made him pick out snacks for the next few days. He got some expensive wines and thick cut steaks as well. His mind danced around the thought that he had nothing set up for the next few days at all. Two days left in the week and Ravi still had no clue of how he wanted to go. Leo needed a plan, and soon. He really wanted this time to be special for Ravi, and feeding him and spending time with him wouldn't be enough if he didn't make a dying wish for Leo to fulfill.

 

When they had paid for their goods, Leo stored them in a cooler he had planted in the backseat before getting back into the driver’s seat and taking off. He tried not to make a show of it, not wanting to spoil anything but Ravi frowned and turned in his seat. In the seat he saw he saw blankets, a basket full of fruits and sandwiches, 2 wine glasses... flowers.

 

“Leo, what is this?!” Ravi asked, incredulous.

 

The man driving flushed red, but reached back easily with his long arms and offered Ravi the simple bouquet of daisies. He hadn't meant to spoil the surprise but it was much easier to get dinner in town while they were there than to have to drive back out later. They continued down the unkempt road towards the house again and Leo chuckled awkwardly in the silence. He became suddenly aware that he was either driving much faster or his perception of time was off as he found the house looming in the near distance.

 

“Were you taking me on a lunch date?” Ravi's voice was tight again.

 

“Well, there's a nice little clearing at the back of the house. I figured we could go there and talk as well, as eat and drink of course.” Leo flashed his most charming smile.

Ravi took a few deep breaths before speaking: “You have been good to me this entire time I have been with you. I feel terrible because I don't know how to accept it. I am trying but I'm frightened I guess.”

 

“Of me?” Ravi nodded. “But why?”

 

Leo glanced over at him out of the corner of his eye just in time to see the first tears that glinted down Ravi’s cheeks in the sunlight. The golden rays illuminated Ravi’s skin just so, giving him an ethereal beauty that Leo could hardly stand and he felt that tightening in his chest again. Something inside him wanted to capture that sadness for himself. Wanted to bottle it up and snuff it out until it persisted no more, while at the same time feeding it til it grew. He forced himself to breathe as his head began to swim with forbidden desires, monsters clawing at the fragile shield of his morality.

 

“I just- I don't want to fall in love with you. I wish I could just enjoy the love I have for you now, until the day that I die... that's quite selfish of me, I recognize." Ravi answered quietly, fidgeting with a button on his dress shirt.

 

The request was undeniably selfish yet Leo still found himself satisfied with the very idea. Of course having Ravi in his company was lovely, but solidifying that in these last moments of his life he was _his_ set a sensations inside of him that should not have been. Leo drove the car slowly through the grass to the back of the house. He cut the engine and turned to look at his passenger, the ghost of sadness ever present in the dull of his eyes.

 

“It's alright, even in these unconventional circumstances, to love; we are not made of stone. I understand that what we have here is...fleeting, at best.” He smiled handsomely towards Ravi, happy to see a bit of spark light somewhere deep in those brown eyes.

 

“Come now and let me spoil you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeeeeep cliffhanger. I got chapt 4 p much done.  
> Hopefully be up soon.  
> I make no promises however, because I am focusing on Empty space since ists so close to the end. Plus a lot of personal life stuff and I'll be moving soon so I'm prepping my life for that.  
> I think about this story every day though.
> 
> Kudos and comments keep me going!


	4. If You need Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm adding this note in light of Jonghyum's passing.

If you need help, please ask.  
If youe heart cannot take anymore, and the world weighs on your shoulders  
If your knees are buckling to the mundane tasks of your day to day

Please reach out.

 

My heart hurts this morning. Another influential being with a heavy heart has ended their lives this year. Another soul is lost to us. How do we help? How can we make others see the beauty in life beyond the ugly pain they suffer through?

 

You cannot of course change someone's mind. Fully conscious humans are capable of making their own decisions, and we can't be the judge of those decisions: we can only acknowledge their suffering, remind them they are human and they are not alone. 

 

Know that your life has value to someone, even if that someone is not you yourself. Depression and emotional distress are not weakness. You fighting to save your sanity is not shameful, but also remember neither is the other route. If you have come to terms with your choice, I wish you peace, but I moreso wish you wouldn't.

 

I love you all.

 

If you need someone to talk to, call 1-800-273-8255.  
The national suicide prevention hotline is FREE and available 24 hours everyday. 

 

I wish you all a healthy day.


	5. Haitus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry,

I need some time to deal.  
I'm putting this fic on hiatus.  
I'm sorry for anyone who has followed along thus far, and I know we're so close to the end  
but~~

After, well, y'all know,  
this fic kinda cuts into my sanity for now, especially after reading his letter.  
I considered abandoning it, not continuing because I just couldn't, but I can't not finish it.  
I've put so much work and emotion into this, it's my baby.  
I just need time.

I'll continue Empty Space and finish After Two.  
Probably going to write something lighthearted until I can wrap my head around this all  
without bursting into tears.

<3 <3 <3


	6. This Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sun, the sky, the blooms, and Taekwoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back - kind of.  
> Updates are going to be S L O W, as I am actually working on non-fanfics and writing some original short stories.  
> I have some big dreams and goals so I'm focusing less on ff and more or those.  
> This fis is almost done anyway.  
> It's short but I hope you enjoy!

Ravi wasn't quite sure what he expected when Leo led him through the thorny bushes of the unkempt forest towards the promise of a “lovely” clearing, but with each step Ravi found that his ankles were assaulted by another stick or thorn. He found himself wondering if this adventure outside was worth it, once again.

Leo, however, continued onward with enthusiasm; his feet stepping on a memorized path, avoiding brambles unlike his stumbling partner. Ravi was just about to give up and declare that Leo carry him, whether it was back home or to this secret destination he didn't care, when light broke through the trees just a few yards ahead. In his arms Leo held the cooler, the basket and the blankets, insisting that Ravi needn't help him with a thing. He turned and smiled at Ravi. Ravi attempted a smile but knew he was scowling as he trudged forward, following Leo into the clearing.

The wind shushed through the trees at a drowsy pace, carrying with it the scent of spring's flowers and grass. Even with the drive to and from the town this morning, Ravi hadn't realized it was spring. His eyes immediately fell upon the bright blooms in the bushes and trees. The beauty of the nature around him almost threw him on his back side. Leo had already spread out the thick blankets and sat the basket and cooler at opposing sides. 

Enamored and grateful for the short grass that didn't tear at his skin, Ravi took his time catching up. He couldn't remember the last time he really spent time outside enjoying the breeze, seeing the flowers, or feeling the sun. Leo was sitting with his legs to the side on the blanket, a gentle smile on his face while he watched Ravi look around with wide and childlike eyes. As the wind skirted across his battered ankles, Ravi remembered his mild irritation and plopped onto the blankets dramatically, his head landing in Leo's lap.

"You couldn't have cleared the path before whisking me away to your secret garden? My ankles have done nothing to deserve this type of abuse," Ravi whined, lifting his right leg into the air. 

Leo chuckled at the reference of literature and reached up to bring the pant leg down to get a better view. Together they looked at the white claw marks left behind by the brush. Only a few red scratches were present, but Ravi looked at Leo pitifully anyway.

"You're okay Ravi. Just have some wine; it's very strong so you won't even feel the thorns on your way home." Leo laughed loudly.

Ravi, feeling brazen due to his high spirits, pounced and took Leo to the ground, landing on top of him in a fit of giggles and heavy breathing. They wrestled around for a long while, neither letting the other pin him long enough to be declared the loser. Ravi straddled Leo's hips tightly, holding his hands above his head. Leo was obviously not well versed in wrestling or any of it's techniques, and he squirmed under Ravi like a fish out of water. 

Ravi couldn't help but smirk down at the man, ready to declare himself the winner but Leo managed to sit up and roll out from under the other man. Beside him, he laid on his back, sweat glistening on his brow. Ravi did much of the same; laying there still on the ground trying to catch his breath.

They panted into the sounds of the whispering grass and birds in the trees; their own contribution to nature's music. Thoughts of Ravi on top of him, warm breath fanning across his cheeks, the weight of his ass on Leo’s crotch swirled through Leo’s mind and he began to feel antsy once again. The sun felt much warmer now than it had before, though he knew it was the lust warming his body. He knew if he didn’t move, he’d end up on top of Ravi. Leo was positive the other wouldn’t deny him, but there was a time and a place for everything. Now didn’t seem like the time nor the place.

To distract his mind Leo sat up and grabbed the wine from the cooler and the glasses and a corkscrew from inside of the picnic basket. His fingers worked quickly to remove the obstruction of the cork from the wine, keeping his mind distracted as he poured two half-full glasses of wine and sat them down in the space between them. Ravi plucked a glass of wine and took a few small sips as Leo turned his attention to the remaining contents of the cooler.

It seemed safe to assume, in Leo's mind at least, that after a full morning of activity they would be ready to eat lunch. Leo himself was ready, but he didn't know how much Ravi could eat in one day. He had prepared chicken salad sandwiches and brought along a few small bags of chips. Without making a scene, Leo pulled two sandwiches from the cooler and set them down in the space beside their wine glasses. By this time Ravi was sitting up and watching intently, his eyes lighting up the moment he saw the sandwiches.

Ravi reached out and grabbed one, finding himself tearing at the saran wrap eagerly. He nibbled on the sandwich without suggestion or prompting, giving a slight groan at the taste of the food. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had chicken salad, but he was sure that it tasted twice as delicious now than it had ever tasted then. It was no secret that Ravi had been a whirlwind of emotions all day. Add the fact that he sat there eating a sandwich because he was hungry and those emotions stormed through tenfold, releasing a flood of tears.

Leo said nothing, giving Ravi the space he needed to collect himself. He took a sip of wine and observed Ravi’s waves of emotion; his shoulders shook with each huff, but he didn't seem distressed. He wore a smile; soft, simple and contented. The tears that welled in his eyes only magnified the happiness Leo found when he looked into them. Ravi was happy. A tremble shimmied it’s way up his spine and Leo took another sip of wine to calm himself while waiting for Ravi to come around.

The time of silence between the two lengthened. He hoped it meant that Leo understood how grand the happiness he felt affected him, and was giving him time to process. It would be lovely if for once, Ravi didn't feel like he was floating alone on a raft in a sea of his emotions. Consequently, maybe Leo felt Ravi was silly for crying in the middle of their date like this with no precursor or explanation; that would be the average human’s reaction. Just like that, a switch had flipped in his brain. Ravi’s fears and insecurities were now circling his raft like sharks under a boat.

What Leo must think of him; always crying and whining... It wasn’t likely that Leo assumed the one he’d risk his freedom for was this pathetic, unable to see any worth in his own self or validity in his emotion. Psychologist or not, Ravi was sure Leo hadn’t seen anyone as weak as him in his years of practice. A deep sigh escaped his lips and though he knew it hadn’t, Ravi felt like the light of the sun had dimmed just a bit. Ravi collected his anger, his sadness and even his elation into one big ball, shoved them back inside the box where he kept them, and nailed the lid back on.

Across from him, Leo’s head was now tilted and his gaze was focused more strongly on him. Ravi watched as Leo leaned forward, one hand stretched out towards his face. He visibly tensed as Leo thumbed his cheek and wiped a tear. Leo grinned mischievously and then proceeded to stick his thumb in his mouth. Ravi’s own mouth fell open, staring in awe before he began laughing. He couldn’t stop it, Leo’s action was so odd and so silly, that the giggles started in his stomach and bubble their way out of his chest.

Leo smiled at him, drying his thumb on his jeans; “As beautiful as you are when you cry, I love the way your eyes twinkle when you smile.” 

Of course Ravi smiled harder and turned his eyes away in embarrassment. A soft pink tinted the apples of his cheeks. Ravi's eyelashes fluttered as his stared down at the blanket, picking at a loose thread. Leo reached across again and tilted Ravi’s chin up. He searched his face, looking for the reason behind the madness of Ravi's emotions.

“Why do you shy away from me?” Leo asked in his soft tone.

Ravi didn't respond, but smiled softly instead. He looked at Leo with wide eyes, filled with emotions that Leo couldn’t readily identify, though he was sure he knew what it meant. Suddenly, Leo’s heart was racing a mile a minute. He licked his bottom lip slowly, watching Ravi’s eyes follow his tongue. 

It felt as if the world was spinning around them. The birds’ twittering sounded as anxious as Ravi felt, sitting there watching the sensual way Leo’s tongue slid across his lip. Leo who was now moving on his knees to the center of the blankets. His eyes were steadied on Ravi’s lips, and Ravi’s eyes fluttered closed as Leo came closer to him still. Leo touched their lips together gently, savoring the plush feel of the other against him.

Ravi let out an airy sigh, unaware he'd been holding his breath until that moment. Taking his chance, Leo’s tongue snaked between the others' parted lips, tracing the roof of his mouth. Ten fingers gripped the blankets beneath them as Ravi moaned softly. 

Now it seemed as though the world around them had simply stopped- the birds made no sound, the winds had ceased- only the feelings between them existed as Leo deepened the kiss. He caught Ravi’s bottom lip in his teeth and nibbled experimentally. There was no denying Ravi’s desire as he let go of the blanket to hold Leo’s face closer to his. Leo moved so that his knees trapped Ravi inside of them, never once straying from Ravi’s mouth.

Long arms encased Ravi, securing him in Leo’s embrace. All those feelings that Ravi had put away: his happiness, his desires, his love, all threatened to spill over once again. As hard as he tried to fight it, Ravi knew he was helpless against his own emotions. With little to no warning, he was crying again as Leo leaned him back on the blankets delicately. 

Leo kissed Ravi’s cheeks softly, the salt of his tears lingering on Leo’s lips. The smell of the warm grass and moist dirt collided with Leo’s cologne and clouded Ravi’s mind. He ran a hand through Leo’s hair who shuddered at the touch and he pulled back from Ravi just so.

“Kiss me again.” Ravi’s voice was desperate as Leo’s tongue licked a stripe up Ravi’s cheek. 

His hips raised in response to the odd sensation of the others' tongue on his face. Ravi moved his hands from Leo’s hair to his shoulders, gripping tightly as Leo’s lips met his once again. Leo gave a slight roll of the hips and Ravi gasped, his nails digging into the deep blue fabric of Leo’s shirt. His lips smirked against Ravi’s and Leo rolled his hips again, being sure to keep his pelvis right against Ravi’s.

The man beneath him moaned again, lips parting in a dreamlike sigh. Leo continued to kiss Ravi heavily. Their bodies fit together perfectly, even with Leo sitting in Ravi’s lap. What little space was left between them was filled with the burning passion that resided inside each of them, waiting for burst free.

“Leo,” Ravi rasped  as the man's lips traveled from his lips to his ear. Leo pressed his nose into the skin under Ravi’s ear in acknowledgment. He nipped there, just to see, and Ravi keened immediately; groaning in pleasure squirming beneath him.

“Leo!” Ravi gasped, pushing on the man's shoulders.

The other looked at him, his narrowed eyes were heavily hooded with lust. Leo’s lips were swollen and red while his cheeks were dusted pink. Ravi stared at him as if he were the second coming of Christ and Leo smiled fondly at him.

“Unless you are taking me right here in this forest, which I am not opposed to by the way, I think we should stop for now.” Leo nodded, backing up until he sat on his heels again.

“I'm not sure what came over me.” Leo apologized, wiping the corners of his lips.

Ravi sat up. Behind him, the sun began to set just a bit and the orange hues against Ravi’s golden skin reminded Leo of art. He'd pay with his life to have a moment this beautiful captured in oil.

“Do you want to go inside?” Ravi asked a little shyly, staring down at the blankets again.

Leo bit back a salacious response about the magnitude of his desire to be inside Ravi and instead nodded to the other. Ravi began to gather the emptied glasses and wraps from the sandwiches.

“I'll come back for this later.” Leo pulled Ravi to his feet and began moving towards the house.

Ravi kept up with the other, grinning madly into the silence as they walked back to the house. He didn't know if it was the wine or the myriad of feeling buzzing inside of him but Ravi didn't feel the forest floor clawing at his ankles. All he felt was elation, stemming from the spot where his five fingers entwined with Leo’s. Leo looked over just at that moment and flashed his charming smile once again.

As they approached the back of the house, Ravi felt the need to show Leo how grateful he was for this whole day. His feet stopped moving as his mind set to thinking of ways to apologize. Leo, still hand in hand with the other, was stopped when Ravi did. He turned around to see why they had stopped, when Ravi smiled ever so sweetly at him.

“Thank you, for everything.”

“How did you enjoy our first date?” Leo asked, face still displaying that broad smile, only now, with that small tinge of pink in his cheeks. Leo looked quite a bit nervous or embarrassed.

“You mean our only date?” Ravi chuckled, noting that their time together was soon coming to an end. He looked down at their fingers and wondered just how long they'd be able to hold hands before having to break apart.

“I'd like to remember everything we do together as our first, not our last nor our only.” 

Ravi blinked a few times, his brain turning over Leo's words in his head.

“That's a little romantic... for you…” Ravi trailed off, biting his lip a bit. 

The rouge of Leo’s cheeks deepened.

“I'm trying.” He said.

‘For you.’ Was implied.


	7. Not My First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravi tells Leo his truths.  
> Leo just hold him through it.  
> Ravi embraces Leo for what he isn't.  
> Leo embraces Ravi for everything he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the smut. Umm, this chapter is nooot for the faint of heart. Like at all. Just fair warning.
> 
> WARNING: Iss some blood/knifeplay, suicidal mentions, graphic descriptions and just a shit ton of fuckery.
> 
> ALSO: I don't own or wish death on any of the members of Vixx. I feel like that needs to be said.
> 
> Also also, i did my own editing so ignore the errors.

Day 5-evening

 

Both Ravi and Leo walked into the house with eager steps. The moment Ravi had the door closed Leo pushed himself onto him, hovering over his lips for less than a second before he began to kiss him again. Ravi couldn’t help but moan at the way Leo pawed at him. His hands were everywhere, and his desire seeped through the silk shirt, coating Ravi’s warm skin. There was a soft clinking of teeth between the heavy panting and Leo’s soft moans, each one more desperate than the last. 

 

Ravi was going crazy with every moment they stood there kissing and touching, needing  _ more _ . He would have to make note to be appalled later as he had ever been this pressed for sex in his life. Ravi pushed off the door, his lips stuck to Leo’s as they moved blindly towards the room. Neither table nor counter top could break their lips apart. Their hips alternated taking sharp corners of the wall as they came yet they focusing still only on the skin of the other. It seemed like an eternity before they reached the bedroom.

 

Ravi followed Leo in, guiding him to the bed. Leo sat when he felt the mattress at the back of his legs. He looked up at Ravi through hooded lids, and Ravi's skin was sizzling under Leo's gaze. Keeping eye contact, Ravi settled into Leo's lap and then moved his eyes to the deep blue silk that clothed Leo's trunk. If he didn't take it off now, while he still had his head, he knew it would be ruined when he ripped it off later. 

 

The sexual tension built steadily as Ravi took his time with each button. Leo resisted the urge to rip the shirt open himself, not caring the least about the buttons. Yet, it was unnecessary and impractical, so Leo distracted his hands by reaching out to caress Ravi's cheek; teeth worrying his bottom lip as he watched him undo the last button. Ravi slid his palms up Leo’s chest and shoulders, sliding the shirt off of his skin. 

The moment the shirt was off, Leo's long fingers wrapped around Ravi’s neck, just under his chin, and brought him close, kissing him with a fierce desire. Leo pressed at the veins throbbing underneath the smooth skin of Ravi's neck, effectively the flow of blood to his brain. Ravi groaned delightfully, squirming in Leo’s lap. Ten seconds he held them there with Ravi’s pulse hammering on madly under his fingers, but to Ravi it felt like an eternity before he let go. Ravi’s head swam for a brief moment, and he gasped needily, like music to Leo’s ears.

 

Leo massaged his neck, giving the man above him time to recover, but Ravi didn't want  _ time _ . His fingers curled tightly around Leo’s wrist and he reached for the other blindly. Ravi forced Leo back and pinned his arms above his head to the mattress. With his knees pressed into the ground Ravi looked down at Leo who looked back up at him, eyes wide with lust. His small lips were swollen from Ravi’s teeth and his pale skin was flushed pink with excitemeng. 

 

Ravi licked his lips before diving back onto his mouth. Leo was open and waiting when Ravi arrived and their tongues slid hot and wet against each other's. He couldn't stop kissing him, obsessed with the way Leo's mouth felt against his own. Leo moaned this time, his hips bucking up to in attempt to meet Ravi's, but they were conveniently just out of reach.

 

Ravi let out a cruel chuckle as he brushed kisses up Leo's cheek and Leo's moans flitted around them like music, fueling Ravi's need to further please the other. Leo had never been this vulnerable or vocal and Ravi needed more. Ravi released Leo's wrists and his fingers slid across the skin of Leo's bare chest, nails digging in but only just. Skin buzzing in the wake of those nails, Leo leaned up to bite into Ravi's shoulder. The man on top stiffened notably while giving another baritone groan.

 

“I was thinking we could try a few things today,” Leo breathed hot and heavy on Ravi's skin.

 

Ravi himself let out a breathy chuckle, looking down into Leo's eyes. “Aren't we already?”

 

Leo looked at him in a way that made Ravi’s skin crawl and dick twitch.

 

“Tell me Ravi, have you decided how this is going to end?” Those hungry eyes scanned Ravi's face again. 

 

Ravi worried his lip again, unsure of how much to say.

 

“Surely, you've gone through a few... scenarios in your mind?” Leo whispered in his ear. 

 

Ravi swallowed loudly.

 

It was always death with them. Death brought their lives together. Death was often the main topic of their conversation and now, well now death was going to be at the epicenter of their sex lives. Ravi knew it should come to no surprise that Leo would bring up the subject during sex. 

Death was Leo's thing... dare he say his kink. He was a little late, but Ravi was learning that there was something a bit darker in Leo than he had initially anticipated. What surprised him was that he couldn't find the horror in it. Leo was just as broken inside as Ravi was, and for some reason he loved that. Ravi's throat was dry and his cock was unbelievably hard.

 

“I know you've been thinking about it.” Leo muttered, leaning up to kiss his neck now. “Tell me what you've been thinking.”

 

Ravi inhaled deeply as Leo continued to pepper his neck with kisses and soft bites.

 

“I guess I….sometimes I think about hanging myself.” His face was bright red as he spoke the words, eyes scrunched closed.

 

“Asphyxiation.” Leo’s voice was husky, his fingers ghosting the skin of Ravi’s throat lightly once again.

 

“I mean, well, yes but if I failed I-”

 

Taekwoon shushed him with a gentle kiss. “What else?”

 

Ravi bit his lip hard now. He was fighting the words, not wanting to bring another failure to light, but Leo's lips were between his collar bones, kissing and teasing, lips sucking at skin more delicate than the skin of his neck and Ravi couldn’t for the life of him remember what or why he was hiding from Leo. “I overdosed once.”

 

“I'm sorry it didn't end the way you planned.” Leo brushed his fingers across Ravi's cheek softly.

 

Another odd statement; just as odd as their relationship. This man, Leo, the beautiful one whose mouth wrought fires against his skin,  _ wanted  _ him to die. And not because he didn't like him, but because he liked him a lot and that was what Ravi wanted. It was odd. It was kind of exhilarating. Not to mention the way Leo looked at him as he spilled his most torturous thoughts was downright dirty. Something about seeing another take some sort of joy from his pain was  _ pleasing _ to him.

 

“I was so angry at her for reviving me. Every stop I pulled she kept me here on this Earth even after she'd left me and I just wanted her to  _ suffer _ .” Ravi growled.

 

Leo nodded as if he understood, his hands holding tightly to Ravi's hips as he continued, slowing bringing the man down into his lap.

 

“So, I tried to bleed out in the tub.” He watched Leo eye the faint scars up his arms, biting his lip. He was hungry for more and suddenly Ravi was happy to provide the gory details without much thought.

 

“I cut from start my wrist to the crook of my arm and-” Ravi’s head tipped back and he moaned, nostalgia strong enough that he could all but feel the cool steel against his skin once again, the dull razor snagging against tender skin as it moved. Leo’s nails dug crescents into his skin in anticipation.

 

“And?” Leo's voice was heavy with something much stronger than desire, his mouth wet and wanting.

 

“Never have I felt such a high. The rush. The blood. It bubbled out of me, bringing with it this elation that I can't hardly describe. Like the only heaven I've ever known. It was so free, the pain that had once brought nothing but sadness had multiplied tenfold and yet I was ecstatic, on top of the fucking world with joy. I'd give anything to feel that way again.”

 

“Is that so?” Leo purred dangerously, using one nail to press into the skin of Ravi’s forearm. Slow and deliberate was his ascent down to the wrist, following the path of the pink scar. Ravi sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth. A wave of heat spread over his body at the mock cut.

 

“I wanted there to be blood.” Ravi breathed out, struggling with the button on Leo’s jeans. “I wanted them to marvel at the beauty in the tragedy. I wanted them to never forget the way I look, blood caked on my skin like macabre makeup. She took that away from me then, but this time you won't let her.”

 

Leo growled at that, twisting, pushing Ravi back onto the bed and ripping his own jeans off in what seemed like one seamless motion. He turned to Ravi and did the same, ridding the man of the oppressive clothing with sheer ferocity. Ravi was down to his boxers, and Leo's strong thighs trapped Ravi between them. He tangled his fingers in Ravi's hair and tugged just so, pulling Ravi up to him. Ravi's lips parted with a wanting moan.

 

“How many more times did she stop you?” Leo asked.

 

Ravi sputtered, suddenly nervous and tensed, “There was only one more time. I- no one stopped me...well… I-” 

 

“Speak when you are ready.” Leo stated simply, massaging his scalp where his fingers still lay. 

 

Ravi nodded and took several deep breaths. Where to start? He had never talked about this to anyone in the world. Would Leo look at him any differently? Would Leo change his mind, turn him away for something done so long ago? Something that still hung in the air above Ravi like a dark cloud, the suspense of never knowing gnawing away at the fabric of his sanity?

 

“Wonsik….and I are very different people.” Ravi started off, his voice sounding much more stronger than he felt. Leo nodded in understanding, still soothing the pads of his fingers around the others head. Ravi looked off to the side before looking back to Leo.

 

"And after the cutting stint, Wonsik's own mother couldn’t handle the stress of taking care of him anymore. His neighbor would come and stay with him during the day, an older gentleman on disability with nothing to do. For six months the man would come over every day and sit a fucking chair in the corner of the room and read. Sometimes the man would watch football and drink beers. They never spoke and Wonsik  often wished the man would just leave him to be alone.

“One evening Wonsik had been ‘good’ enough that he’d been allowed to stay home by himself. But it was a rough night though, and Wonsik was somewhat regretful of his solitude, knowing he would merely take advantage of it once again.

 

“His skin always itched around those ugly scars on his arms, and the desire to just  _ disappear _ grew stronger day by day and tonight seemed to be it's peak. The neighbor had left a barely touched 12 pack in the fridge recklessly, assuming Wonsik wouldn't venture from his bed as he never did, but Wonsik drank at least 8 of them. Then he decided to go out. Alone. In his car. When he got to the parking garage he learned they'd covered it with a fricken sheet, and drunk Wonsik had one heck of a time wrestling it off. He tossed it into the passenger's seat when he climbed in and slammed the door shut. Then he started the car."

 

Above him, Leo continued listening silently, Ravi only now noticing how his large hands had attached themselves to his thighs once again, stroking him languidly like one would a cat. Leo paused momentarily to squeeze Ravi’s thighs encouragingly, willing Ravi to continue.

 

"The car swayed down the highway, Wonsik was driving fast. It was around 5:30 on a Tuesday morning, and Wonsik was heading from town towards the camping grounds, umm the ones just outside of the city in woods. The sky was just barely starting to lighten up, but Wonsik didn't expect anyone to be driving to town this early, so he didn't make any efforts to be cautious of his driving. He had hoped, anyway, that he might in fact hit a tree and be done with this life for good. 

 

“Anyway, the music blared loudly and he nodded his head out of time. His vision blurred following the movement, and the car swerved dangerously, the car's lights swinging across the treeline before he straightened out. Wonsik shook his head to clear his eyes but he wasn't sure how long he ‘blinked’ because the car had switched lanes again yet this time he made no efforts to correct himself.

 

“The road up to the grounds is really fucking narrow. There's only two lanes and then it's off the side of the road and into the deep wood. In some areas there was enough space to park your car off to the side, but most of the sides were steep inclines. One false move and Wonsik could go careening off into the thick trees, and the collision would take him out. But of course, that is what he had been hoping for.

 

“He continued to speed down the highway, seeing a light in the trees. Wonsik blinks because he's so fucking drunk so he's unsure if he actually saw it or not. The music seems to have gone up several decibels and it's loud in his ears, the lyrics of some rap song pounding into his brain. The wind came in through the windows so hard that he didn't feel as though he could breathe properly. Yet, he. felt so  _ free _ , almost like the time he'd cut himself. Still driving fast, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, taking it all in. 

 

“The muscles all over his body relaxed and he felt calm, oddly so. He had hoped that right there, right there in that moment of calm that he would die. Wonsik was counting on his eyes being closed long enough that he'd lose control of his quick moving vehicle and strike a tree. But he waited and waited and nothing happened. When Wonsik opened his eyes, he saw the light he had seen in the trees was now on the road with him. It flashed right in front of him. His hands jerked the steering wheel but he was already moving much too fast to avoid whatever it was now. The car swung to the side but Wonsik couldn't see anything but the bright headlights sweeping the line of trees. The tires squealed loudly as and Wonsik caught a glimpse of something red and maybe fur or… hair before he shut his eyes again. There was a thud, and something rolled under his car as he barrelled down the highway. Wonsik let out a yelp as he stared in his rearview at the small form in the middle of the road."

 

Leo laid down beside the man, pulling Ravi into his arms and wiping away Ravi's tears. Leo was awed; Wonsik, or Ravi rather, became more and more of a chaotic beauty the longer his mouth stayed open. The sadness in his voice as he spoke of this time in such a detached yet still very passionate way. The way his lips sneered around his own name. Leo wonder how many past versions of Wonsik had disgusted Ravi.

 

He wondered how someone whose soul was so completely wrecked could have made it through three of these haunting attempts on his own life. The man continued on though, moving through the story as if he stood on stage for slam night, instead of sobbing in the arms of his lover; speaking of suicide in the midst of such an intimate moment. Leo continued to wipe fallen tears away, but Ravi didn't notice, he was far away in a different place and time in that moment.

 

"The whole ride home Wonsik repeated  self assurances that is was just an animal. A deer or something else. He felt much more sober than he had been moments ago, consequently slowling down his speed. To ease his mind, he shut the radio off. Still, no one else was on the highway as Wonsik drove for what felt like hours in the strained silence. Finally, he pulled the car over to the side of the road in a small, leveled clearing of trees. He kept a flashlight in the glove compartment in case of emergencies. Wonsik figured this would constitute as such, and he pulled it from inside with shaking hands. He turned the outside lights of the car off and turned the flashlight on.

 

“Whatever he had hit, there hadn't been any blood on impact. Wonsik couldn't tell whether he should be relieved or nervous at the small dent in his car. It could very well have been a deer, or sheep he thought, tripping over himself to get back into the car. He drove through the campsites and home, staying on the road and going the long way home instead of turning around. When he got back to the apartment, he pulled into the parking garage and covered the car quickly, much easier to do now that he had sobered up considerably. Wonsik ran to his apartment and let himself inside quietly, careful not to wake the imposing neighbor.

 

“Wonsik climbed into his bed and held himself as tightly as he could. Nothing he did could drown out the low thudding sound of that thing hitting his car and the wheels bumping over it from echoing in his head. All he could do was sob and retch all over himself as it played over and over like it's own terrifying soundtrack, hoping the sound of his cries would drown out that hideous thump in his mind." Ravi ended somewhat dramatically.

 

Leo rubbed small circles into his chest, keeping quiet though Ravi was obviously finished with his story.

 

"Well??" Ravi asked, looking over to Leo expectantly, his cheeks hot and his eyes swollen from crying. 

 

He'd never spoken of this to anyone in his whole life. Though it felt good to speak the words and give body to an abstract image that plagued his dreams, Ravi still felt himself panicking because he still didn't  _ know _ , and he definitely didn't know how Leo would  _ react _ . There was a huge chance that he could turn him to authorities, wasn't that part of his job? 

 

Ravi slid out of Leo’s arms and back onto the sheets of the bed, putting physical space between them. Leo's silence made him feel like this time maybe he didn't understand, and Ravi hid away behind his hands, wishing for the millionth time that he had just died that night so he wouldn't have to be here now. 

 

His felt hands caressing up his arms, moving towards his wrists, pulling him back onto the bed. Leo’s thighs encased him on the bed and he pushed him down again, the weight of his body like a heavy anchor to his emotions. He slowly pulled Ravi’s hands from his face. Ravi kept his eyes closed, trying his damnedest to just disappear, but Leo wouldn't let him. He was grounding him, keeping him in this alternate reality they created just for them. Leo let go of one wrist to hold his chin gently now, and placed one small kiss on Ravi’s quivering lips. Ravi peeked an eye open to see Leo sporting a cheeky grin.

 

"Well, I'm not sure why  _ I'm _ the creepy one here. Have you written out each of your suicides like a villainous monologue?" Leo jested, hiking his eyebrows up on his forehead.

 

"You're horrible." Ravi slapped his chest teasingly and sighed.

 

Leo’s dark eyes scanned over Ravi's face as he tried to memorize the planes of his face.

 

"On a more serious note, Ravi," Leo started, earnest eyes looking at him. "There will never be any judgement between us." Leo promised sweetly, his voice back to that sensual tone that reminded Ravi where he was; in the bed, naked, with Leo the fair skinned Adonis- his own angel of death. Ravi was not huddled under the sheets of his own bed, body wracking with tremors and dripping with sweat. 

 

He was not Wonsik, not anymore.

 

“I've never heard you speak with such passion.” The tips of Leo's fingers scaled up his bare chest, fondling Ravi's attentive nipples.

 

“I am passionate of this alone.”

 

They both knew what he meant, his death.

 

Leo chuckled, dipping down to take his left nipple into his mouth. Ravi’s back arched from the bed, wanting more of Leo’s skin against his.

 

“That's not true. I think passion burns in you until it burns you out.” He said as he switched nipples. His hands busied themselves into Ravi’s boxers, firmly gripping his hip and his cock. “There is so much emotion inside you but it mounts up as sadness... how tragically beautiful you are.” Leo murmured against his skin.

 

He kissed down Ravi’s abdomen, peppering his skin like blessings. Leo's tongue darted out into the small divot of his navel and Ravi felt his toes curl as the man began to stroke his cock.

 

“I cannot express how grateful I am to you for showing me this part of you, Wonsik-ah.” Leo kissed him just under his belly button this time. Ravi groaned desperately at his own name, even though he'd told himself he never wanted to hear it again. His cock twitched in the hand of the other man, wanting nothing more than for Leo to wrap those chatty lips around him.

 

"You're talking an awful lot."

 

Leo looked up at him teasingly from his position, holding his eyes as he dragged his tongue down towards the edge of Ravi’s boxers. Leo's slick tongue flicked across the pelvic line and Ravi couldn't take any more of Leo's teasing. The tip of his tongue darted out across his bottom lip as Leo lifted Ravi's bottom and used his one free hand to pull the underwear down Ravi's legs. His cock sprang free, and Leo eyed it hungrily. Ravi felt his body warming over as Leo licked his lips at the sight.

 

“The way your skin looks when you blush is mesmerizing.” Leo remarked, eyes looking mesmerized indeed.

 

There was hardly time for Ravi to think of a response before Leo dipped his head down and parted his lips for Ravi's cock. Leo continued down slowly, his mouth was so warm and hot around him. Ravi moaned and squirmed wildly under the other's firm grip as the tip of Leo’s nose nudged the skin of his pelvis softly. His fingers grasped at the sheets desperately but found that what he really wanted to hold onto was between his legs. Ravi slipped ten digits into Leo’s hair, pushing it back from his face so he could look into his eyes.

 

“Leo, you're so pretty like this.” Ravi grunted out, pulling Leo back slightly by his hair. “I want you inside of me.”

 

The words had slipped so easily from his mouth that it gave Leo a chill. Leo’s eyes closed and he moaned pleasantly around Ravi’s cock. He looked up at Ravi, taking in the redness on the apples of his cheeks, and the way his nipples protruded defiantly from his chest, brown buds that Leo felt were practically reaching for him. Ravi whimpered as Leo pulled back, letting his dick fall from his mouth.

 

“You're very forthcoming this evening, Ravi. Tell me something you've always wanted in bed.” Leo grinned in that wild way that he does when he’s aroused and he lifted Ravi’s legs onto his shoulders.

 

Chills radiated through Ravi as Leo’s hands caressed his legs. His nails dragged at the underside of Ravi's thighs, digging roughly into his skin. Ravi groaned, enticed by the pain and craving more. He wiggled his bum slightly and the other cocked a brow at him, grinning madly. Leo’s large hand crashed down onto Ravi’s ass. The sting of the smack sent him reeling and reached out to hold Leo’s wrist tightly.

 

“Was that too much, love?” Leo asked, rubbing the skin softly.

 

“Not enough.” Ravi let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding in.

 

“You want more?” Leo’s voice was still soft, though his hand massaged the skin more roughly now.

 

“Yes, Leo stop fucking with me and just fuck me.” Ravi growled, his grip still firm on the wrist that held his leg.

 

“Then let us make haste.” Leo’s smile was borderline maniacal now, his eyes glinting as the sound of his palm against Ravi’s skin broke the silence of the room.

 

“Fuck!”

 

Leo stopped massaging Ravi’s skin to wet his middle finger. Ravi watched with his bottom lip between his teeth: the sight of the other man sucking his own finger was just as arousing as he looked sucking on Ravi’s cock.

 

“Relax.” Leo stated, stroking the man’s thigh once more as he probed at his entrance.

 

Ravi obeyed and Leo’s finger slid in easily. He’d hardly had time to get it in to the second knuckle and Ravi was already wanting more. He rut himself against the digit inside of him, unwilling to slow down or wait. Leo tsk’d him lightly, continuing to finger him slowly and methodically.

 

“So eager.” Leo gave him what he asked for, sliding another finger inside.

 

It'd been so long since Ravi had been touched by another man. It had been so long since he felt strong fingers inside of his ass. The stretch from Leo’s slow scissoring burned his entrance and warmed his body over again. Ravi’s  

cheeks burned with embarrassment as his cock dribbled with precum. They both realized how close he was to an orgasm.

 

“You're so beautiful all flushed and red, Ravi.” Leo curled his fingers inside of him, searching for the spot that would push Ravi that much closer to the edge, if not completely over it. He knew he'd found it when Ravi gasped, his hand squeezing Leo’s wrist again. A long and low moan sounded at the back of his throat. Leo stroked him once more, garnering the same reaction again.

 

“Ravi, you keep moaning like that and I'm going to cum before I even get inside you.” Leo hummed.

 

“I'm going to cum either way,” Ravi’s voice was airy, breathless as Leo's fingers brushed against his prostate again.

 

“Mmm, yes, you are.” Leo chuckled, and he turned his head to Ravi’s calf on his shoulder.

 

Leo bit down on the skin roughly and just like that Ravi came. Leo continued to finger him, scissoring him open somewhat roughly, but Ravi didn’t care. He cried out Leo’s name, and Leo bit harder on the other's leg.

 

“Please just fuck me, Leo!” Ravi begged, the corners of his eyes wet with tears.

 

“Why do you cry, my love?” Leo asked, moving his hand from Ravi’s leg to palm himself. 

 

Silver droplets slipped from his eyes slowly, down his temple to the bed silently. Ravi shook his head, clenching his hole around Leo’s fingers.

 

Ravi tried to find words that didn't sound as desperate as he felt but his mind drew a blank. “I'm not trying to!” 

 

All he knew was that he wanted Leo inside of him, his cock filling him to the brim and more. He wanted to be held in those firm yet gentle arms while he fucked him sensless. He wanted Leo to choke him until the lights went out, and to smack his ass til it was sore. The longer he waited to feel Leo's cock stretching him open the more tears spilled over the edge of his eyes.

 

“Do we need to stop?” Leo's tone was gentle, yet firm. Ravi felt his fingers sliding out from inside him.

 

“No!” He practically yelled. The other man raised an eyebrow in amusement. “I just...I  _ need _ you.”

 

Leo nodded and kissed Ravi between the eyes so softly. He looked him over with a scrutinous eye, as if appraising him. Ravi laid mostly still under his gaze, though he shivered slightly from anticipation. It appeared that he was satisfied with what he saw, as Leo reached over him and into the nightstand, grabbing a couple things from the top drawer and set them on the bed.

 

A bright red ribbon, thick like the ones you’d make a bow with for a present.

A bottle of lube, mint flavored.

And a knife. The blade was shielded and he couldn't see what it looked like, yet the scars on Ravi’s wrists tingled longingly. 

 

Leo popped the cap to the lube, as he sat back on his heels. Eyes on Ravi, Leo was gauging Ravi’s reaction to the the knife. He didn't seem scared but only mildly interested. Leo wondered if that was a poker face. Sitting back on his heels, Leo held his cock and slowly slicked it over with the lube. Ravi watched as he stroked himself a couple times.

 

It was only two or three of those controlled movements but to Ravi it felt like it was a lifetime before Leo was up and on his knees again. He wrapped his arms around Ravi and pulled him down the bed right between his legs, wasting no time in lining himself up with Ravi's entrance.

 

"I hope you find this evening suitable to your needs." Leo said softly, dipping his lips down to brush against Ravi's as he slowly began to push him. 

 

Ravi was ready, his muscles relaxing just enough to allow Leo inside. That wasn't to say it didn't sting something fierce or make him cry out Leo's name, but it could have been a hell of a lot harder.

 

Leo continued to slide in slowly. Ravi felt like he was exploding and melting all the same, needing more yet wanting to savor this moment where they melded together almost as one. Above him, Leo stroked his face and told him he was beautiful. The pace Leo set was a delicate one; working Ravi open with his cock now, all the while leaving passionate kisses on his lips. The moment was overwhelming, and Ravi whimpered as Leo pushed in again. He blushed furiously, his eyes squeezed shut and he hoped it went unnoticed, but of course Leo was watching.

 

"Oh, now that-" Leo inhaled deeply, closing his eyes as he pulled his hips back slowly. He then pushed in the same way he just had, eliciting the same little sound from Ravi’s lips.

 

Ravi gripped at Leo's arms, nails digging deeply into his skin. Leo looked at Ravi with a fire in his eyes, sinking his cock back into Ravi’s ass with just a bit of force.

 

"More." Ravi grunted. 

 

Leo’s face was pensive. As much as he wanted to wreck Ravi he didn't want to hurt him  _ really _ . But the sudden grin on the young man’s face was wracked with danger as he kept his eyes on Leo’s and reached over to grab the ribbon.

 

He then presented it to Leo, dangling it between the two of them. Ravi looked at him expectantly, and Leo wondered briefly how he'd gone so far off the rails.  _ When did any of this become about sex? _ Still he took the ribbon and wrapped it around Ravi’s neck gently, preparing to tie it off in the back.

 

“Tighter.”

 

Leo pulled the ends just a bit, watching as Ravi’s eyes fluttered shut.

 

“ _ Tighter. _ ” He said again. Leo’s cock twitched at the request. The ribbon was tight, barely giving Ravi much breathing room, but he liked it.

 

“Now fuck me like you do in your dreams.” Ravi said, chuckling smugly though his eyes were still closed.

 

Leo laughed himself, only it was a dark and dangerous sound. The hairs of Ravi’s skin stood on edge as he felt something cold and hard drag across the skin of his abdomen. His heart began to pump fervently at the thought of Leo choking and fucking and cutting into him him all at once. 

 

“I don't think you really want that.” Leo responded after a moment, bringing the knife up Ravi’s chest. “It's nothing…. _ nice. _ ”

 

Ravi snaked his fingers around the wrist that held the knife in Leo’s hand. The knife trailed up the middle of Ravi’s chest and just off to the left. He stopped it just above the pectoral muscle, and made eye contact with Leo again. 

 

The man had gone rigid, Leo's entire body tensed while his teeth assaulted his bottom lip. Leo held his breath, not wanting to miss or make a sound. Ravi found himself more and more fond of Leo’s intense stares. It made Ravi feel like nothing else mattered in the world to Leo but him. 

 

Ravi pushed down on the knife and dragged Leo’s hand along, creating a shallow, inch long cut on his chest. 

 

“Ahh,” Ravi sighed, eyes shutting again as he traced the wound again, deeper and longer this time. Leo’s fingers gripped the knife tightly beneath Ravi’s hand, but still Ravi controlled the situation. His wound was at least three inches wide now, and it was painfully deep.

 

“Tell me how it feels.” Leo rasped, slowly fucking into him again.

 

But Ravi couldn't speak, his mind was reeling. That cold blade pressing under his skin, teasing him for more. And he wanted that, wanted to keep going. He tried to pierce the skin again but Leo resisted, tossing the knife aside. 

 

“Tell me how it feels, Ravi.” Leo said again, thrusting into Ravi.

 

“It feels so fucking good,” Ravi huffed, his head spinning again.

 

“Hmm.” Leo dipped low, snapping his hips purposefully as he lapped up the trickle of blood sliding from the wound on Ravi’s chest.

 

His tongue trailed up to the gash where his lips enclosed around it. Ravi moaned loudly, heat spreading through his body as Leo sucked the wound, pulling Ravi’s blood into his mouth. Ravi didn't actually know how to describe the feeling of having his blood sucked. Leo’s tongue slipped into the wound, and he moaned against Ravi’s skin.

 

“Fuck, you're so  _ weird _ .” Ravi growled, grabbing a fistful of Leo’s hair and pulling him up from his chest.

Ravi’s blood had stained Leo’s small and perfect lips. A thin line of blood trickled down the right side of his mouth to his chin, contrasting the pallor of his skin tone. With that feral look in his eyes and Ravi’s blood on his chin, Leo looked nothing like his usually composed and thoughtful self, but instead like a wild animal

 

“But is it unsatisfying?” Leo asked, his charming smile tainted by red lips and teeth. He fucked into Ravi harder now, slipping one hand around his neck .

 

Ravi could do nothing but sigh out Leo’s name, repeating it over and over on his tongue like a prayer. There was so much that he wanted to say but more than anything he just wanted more of Leo.

 

“That's what I thought.” Leo murmured, ginning madly as he applied just a bit of pressure to Ravi’s throat. His lover arched, Ravi’s chest rising to meet Leo’s as he moaned in pleasure. Leo sucked on the cut once again, and the feeling sent a tingle down to Ravi’s toes. He was starting to see stars again.

 

“I'm-I’m,” Ravi huffed, a knot forming in his stomach.

 

“Do you want to ride it out or do you want me to take you there?” Leo smiled, continuing to fuck him. 

 

Ravi groaned again, loving the softness of Leo’s voice against the vulgarity of his words.

 

“Fucking take me.” Ravi demanded. 

 

Leo grinned and clasped his fingers much tighter now around his neck now, and Ravi’s eyes all but rolled to the back of his head. Leo grabbed onto Ravi’s neglected cock and began to pump in time with his own hips, gripping it just as tightly.

 

It hurt, but Ravi loved it. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't speak, he was completely at Leo's will and that is what sent him through that overpowering orgasm. His body shook with the force, but Leo didn't stop fucking him, or stroking him or choking him. Stars dotted his vision as the world started to fade to black around him and he was acutely aware that this could very well be the end for him. 

 

If this was the way Ravi died, he wasn't going to complain.


	8. Timing is Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time.  
> Endless, yet humanity holds only the most limited supply.
> 
> Ravi's time with Leo draws near it's end. Emotions run high during this time, and each one of them must come to terms with what lays ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaa, sorry this took forever.  
> I'm trying.  
> I've hit such a slump these last few months due to my own life stuffs, but I really wanna get this out for those who have beeb so patiebtly waiting.

Day 6 

 

Leo was up in the morning before Ravi, as usual. He sat at the round wooden table in the dining room with a warm cup of tea and watched Ravi sleeping in the room from an app on his laptop. He was curious to see what would happen when he left Ravi’s arms; would Ravi’s mind sense his solace and launch an attack? Did his admittance to his several failed suicide attempts, and a possible murder, clear his conscious and allow him to sleep restfully?

A movement at the lower corner of the computer screen caught Leo's eye. The small clock shifted to let him know it was now 6:58am. As he settled back into his seat, Leo pressed the oversized mug to his lips and sipped the tea with a soft slurp. His mind wandered back to yesterday, the way Ravi completely disengaged when he spoke of the incident that had happened not long ago. Leo had always wondered why Ravi wanted to forget who  _ Wonsik _ was, but now he knew. 

 

Leo eyed the man on the screen intently. Murder. The sound of word reverberated in his skull, bouncing back and forth behind his eyelids audibly.  _ Possible _ murder, while every attempt Wonsik had taken on his own life was foiled. Leo couldn't help but sympathize with Wonsik and why he had fully committed to shut down; after a while, one has to know when it’s time to stop fighting.

 

Which brought Leo’s thoughts to last night, _after_ the stories of suicidal ideations and attempts, after Schrodinger’s murder even. Leo thought of the knife. Ravi had held Leo’s hands so lightly, like a whisper of a memory, and cut himself. Blood bubbled out around the blade, slowly building as Ravi went in again... deeper, wider. As if he didn't have enough pain in his heart, Ravi begged Leo for more and, well, Leo obliged.

 

At 7:06am, Ravi rolled over in the bed, a sound of discontent slipping from his lips. Leo took another sip of tea and centered his thoughts as Ravi turned back to his original position. After a couple moments of silence Ravi whimpered again. 

 

Apparently, clearing his conscious was not enough to stop the memories from plaguing his sleep, nor did the sex exhaust his mind too much for dreams _. _

 

Leo licked his lips, where the ghost of Ravi’s cock lingered between them. He remembered how Ravi opened up for him last night, emotionally and physically, legs spread wide as Leo rocked into him. He had let Leo suck his blood, too. Ravi had called him a vampire earlier that day and it simply fit the moment. Leo could still taste of Ravi’s blood on his tongue when he woke; metallic, euphoric. 

 

The sound of Ravi’s cries carried down the hall and Leo snapped out of his head. On the screen, Ravi was sobbing in fetal position though he was still asleep. Leo closed his laptop and placed the empty mug in the sink. Though Leo moved swiftly, Ravis aggressive tears turned to him thrashing wildly, twisting and turning in the bed, delivering heart wrenching sobs into the air. 

Ravi sounded so damn sad that it hurt Leo’s own heart. He climbed in the bed without giving much thought of Ravi’s flailing limbs. He attempted to move in the bed, trying to ease Ravi’s restless mind and slot his body against his, but Ravi’s clenched fist collided with his cheek. Leo grunted with shock, the dull pain spreading throughout his face and touched his fingers to his cheek.

 

It was as if all he needed was the feel of Leo’s skin again his, for Ravi settled almost immediately. His breathing was heavy, and the tears were still streaming, but he gathered up an armful of the blankets and hugged them to his chest, his body moving closer to Leo’s without thought. Leo stared for a moment, touching the part of his cheek where Ravi had struck, him. He wasn't upset, it was his fault for not watching out, but he was shocked.

 

With Ravi lying still, Leo felt it safe to proceed again. He attempted to pry the blankets from Ravi’s clenched fists, taking special care as he worked his way under the others' fingers in attempt to release their grip on the fabric. Ravi’s eyes flashed open and he gasped, the fear of his nightmares present in his eyes. 

 

Leo simply smiled, not wanting to jar him anymore than he already had. Ravi’s body visibly relaxed upon seeing Leo before his eyes scanned his face and Ravi began to frown. Ravi’s hand lifted slowly, hesitation in his eyes. He met Leo’s fingers and touched his cheek lightly, brushing across the reddened skin.

 

Ravi opened his mouth but no words came to his lips. He knew his body;  _ she _ had fallen victim to his restless limbs and now it had happened to Leo.

 

“It's okay,” Leo offered, ever intuitive.

 

“It's not,  _ okay _ . I hurt you.”

 

“You would never.” Leo pulled the blankets away and crawled into Ravi’s arms, forcing their bodies together and wrapping his arms around Ravi’s waist to ensure he couldn't turn away.

 

“Maybe not purposely, but your cheek…” Ravi stroked the reddened skin again.

 

“Merely a lack of judgement on my part. It's  _ fine _ .” Leo assured and kissed the other gently. Ravi’s tired and puffy eyes frantically searched Leo's face for any sort of lie, so Leo made the effort to keep his soft smile.

 

“I'm sorry,” Ravi whispered after a moment.

 

The sunlight beamed through the windows, highlighting everything Leo loved about Ravi’s skin. He looked every bit an angel as Leo could imagine; honey brown skin, glowing gold in the sun, brown hair, disheveled from sleep and those plush lips. Leo hardly registered the soreness of his cheek as his face broke into a wide grin.

 

“How do you feel about waking up today?” Leo asked him, wrapping his right leg around Ravi and forcing their bare hips closer together.

 

Ravi paused to think of a response. Leo was full of these odd questions.

 

“I guess I had kind of hoped maybe I would die last night. Maybe you would kill me or my heart would just implode on itself.” He wanted to turn his gaze away with embarrassment, but Leo was right there, there was nowhere else to look,

 

“Mmm,” Leo looked down at Ravi’s chest, reaching his hand around Ravi’s shoulder to caress the wound.

 

Images of last night flashed through Ravi's mind; Leo’s soft lips around the cut, the sensation of him sucking his blood. He would never have imagined something so dirty could have felt so fucjing good. Ravi felt his cock twitch right up against Leo’s, and he took note that the two of them were still naked in the bed. 

 

Leo must have been thinking about the same thing because he was licking and biting his lips while his eyes assessed the wound. His fingers still traced along the edges where the blood had clotted over, providing a soft pink and brownish barrier between the meat of his muscle and Leo’s probing digit.

 

Leo looked back up at Ravi and grinned at him again, casting him that look like a wolf who gazed longingly after a lamb. Ravi knew that at some point before he died, he should ask questions about Leo’s desires to help Ravi off himself, but right now, Ravi didn't want to ask him anything. He didn’t want to shatter the perfect universe they created together; Leo could divulge something that he wasn't ready to hear.

 

“I will not be the one ending your life, Ravi.” Leo reminded him, moving his hand to stroke Ravi's cheek. Ravi sighed softly under the tender touch. “I am merely here for support in the endeavor.” 

 

Ravi nodded and let out a breath as Leo scooted his naked body off the bed again. “I’m going to take a shower.” He said as he made his way to the bathroom.

 

It was random, but Leo moved so quickly that Ravi hadn't had any sort of chance to question it. Instead he reached for the remote on the nightstand on Leo’s side of the bed. Ravi flipped on the small TV as the shower turned on in the bathroom. It turned on to the public broadcasting channel.

A woman on screen was wandering around a local garden, pointing out poisonous flowers native to the area. Ravi’s eyes hardly registered the array of colors or her words as he stared at the screen. Tomorrow was  _ the day _ and still Ravi had no plans or actions prepared. He wondered if Leo worried about this too or if it was just him. Ravi couldn’t stay holed up in Leo’s bedroom forever, and he didn’t want to live forever anyways.

 

“This beautiful flower is nicknamed the Blood of the Siren.” The woman on tv gestured to a plant while wearing gloved hands. “Notice how the white petals fan out like a daisy, but the center of the flower is bright red and if you look closer you can see the veins on the stems and leaves are blue looking.” 

Something told him to tune into the tv at that moment. Ravi's eyes looked over the layers of white petals stretching out from the blood red center of the flower. The leaves coming off the stem were the standard green, but the veins of the leaves were in fact blue. Ravi cocked his head in curiosity. He'd seen that flower somewhere before.

 

“The Siren is extremely dangerous,  _ and  _ it grows wildly in the forests surrounding the city. Animals usually eat multiple flowers and die peacefully within a few hours. One bloom is enough to kill a full grown human.

 

“The poison’s most effective routes are through the mucous membranes. If you touch this plant and then touch your eyes without a vigorous washing, you could go blind.

 

“This poison is slow acting. Eating an entire medium sized flower would take about one day of silent death. The person generally does not know they're dying until it is too late. The poison assimilates; sneaks into all the major organs and mimics the existing cells so there is nothing to fight. Once all organs are infested, then cells begin attacking and the body shuts down. Some have bled from their eyes, ears, mouths, genitals and anus during death.”

 

How could nature create something so beautiful and yet so violent? It’s lovely petals were pure white , as if a poisonous blood didn’t run through them. It looked so inviting, not at all like the volatile bulb that it was. The name fit it perfectly; like a siren that calls to its victims, the flower tricked nature’s creatures into eating it just to claim their lives.

 

The woman went on to show how to properly dispose of gloves used when handling dangerous plants. Ravi watched with great interest as she went on to explain the plant was very common in the forests of the country. It clicked in Ravi’s mind that he had seen the flower in the clearing just yesterday. His heart began racing in excitement.

 

A plan. The universe had given him a plan.

 

The water tapped off in the shower, and moments later Leo stepped out of the bathroom with nothing bout a towel wrapped around his body. Beads of water dripped from his hair and cascaded down his chest. Leo’s skin was slightly tinged pink from the warm water, and Ravi couldn't help but lick his lips at the sight, thinking back to his dream just days ago.

 

“Such drab tv.” Leo chuckled, crossing the room to the bed. Ravi scooched over as the man pushed his wet, naked body against his back.

 

“Nature is nice,” Ravi said, eyeing the screen. The host had moved on to other plants, flowers that were equally beautiful but none as useful to him as The Blood of The Siren. 

 

He turned his body and attention to Leo, not at all surprised to find the other’s gaze trained on him. They looked each other over for a few moments, the only sound in the room coming being their soft breaths and the woman talking on the tv. Ravi reached up to hold Leo’s cheek again, the red mark had faded with time. Leo smiled to him, though the look in his eyes were of a sadness Ravi wasn’t used to seeing. He flicked his own eyes away and dropped his hand.

 

“I’d like to go out to the clearing today, again.”

 

Leo’s soft smile turned to that grin that melted Ravi’s insides again. “Oh really? Can you handle the path to my  _ Secret Garden _ ? I’m not carrying you.”

 

This time Ravi laughed. “I’ll be fine, and  _ you’re _ not coming. I just want to have a few moments to myself before, well yanno,”

 

That look Leo held before, that uncomfortable sadness, flooded his whole face. Ravi didn’t like the way his eyebrows creased together, wrinkling the skin of his forehead. That sadness looked so foreign in Leo, it didn't settle well like the smug smiles and intense gazes Ravi had grown accustomed to. 

 

“Okay,” Leo tested slowly, exhaling deeply despite himself. “You’re not going to go and off yourself out there alone, are you?” Leo asked, deflecting his gaze to the tv screen. 

 

Ravi wondered then how the man always  _ knew _ .

 

“I’ll be back in just about an hour or so. I don’t want to spend the whole day away from you.” Ravi tried to sound reassuring, but they both knew how odd the request was; time alone, outside nonetheless. He'd answered Leo’s question without explicitly telling him the truth.

 

“Well, you can bring the picnic stuff back then.” Leo nodded without asking further questions.

 

The silence that followed was just as awkward and uncomfortable as the look on Leo’s face, but he kept looking at Ravi that way and he felt himself folding under the gaze. If Leo didn't stop, Ravi would spoil everything. 

 

He rolled over on top of Leo and straddled him. The other man let out a surprised yelp as he stared at Ravi above him.

 

“When I get back, we can do anything you want.” Ravi said, trying to ease the other man. The last thing he wanted was for them to spend the day in awkward silence.

 

“ _ Anything _ ?” Leo asked softly, his eyes scanning Ravi’s face without a hint of deviance. Ravi wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but he was nodding anyway, and Leo was nodding back.

 

“Hurry back, then.” He said, giving Ravi a slight push at the shoulders. Ravi huffed and rolled his eyes.

 

“Yes sir.” And he was out of the bed, preparing himself for the trip outside.

  
  
  
  


\- + - + - + - + - + -

  
  
  


Ravi laid on his back on the blanket they'd left in the clearing, massaging his ankles and complaining about the walk over. If this wasn't his last time coming out to the clearing, he would make sure to wear longer socks next amtrip out. 

 

In the far corner of the blanket was the picnic basket holding the rest of the sandwiches and wine, Ravi supposed. The picnic basket was now hosting a feast for a steady stream of ants. Ravi watched the organized line going in, and the other line going out of the basket. He wondered briefly if any of those ants hated their lives, walking around and working all day and night, no time to rest or have fun.

 

After lying there for a minute, Ravi thought it’d be best to do a bit of research. Leo had left his phone outside atop the picnic basket, and luckily for Ravi it didn’t have a lock on it. There were a few missed calls and texts from a ‘ _ Cha Hak… _ ’ but Ravi wasn't the slightest bit interested in that. 

 

Ravi opened the phone’s app windows, hoping Leo already had google open. Instead there was only a webcam app. Though he know he shouldn’t open it, as if using the other man's phone without permission wasn’t invasive enough, Ravi clicked it anyway. 

 

He was expecting some sort of fetish site, maybe mukbang or something more taboo, this was Leo’s phone anyway, yet it was merely Leo’s bedroom. The camera faced the bed, and showed the messy sheets and discarded covers. Leo was nowhere to be seen.

 

A weird feeling in Ravi’s gut rose, the one where you’re sneaking around somewhere you shouldn’t be, and you know you’re going to find something you don’t want to see, but you can’t stop looking. His fingers were tapping various options, finding each of his days in the house recorded. The most recently watched was just a few days ago, the night he cried in Leo’s arms until he fell asleep. Ravi fast forwarded the video with slow and shaking fingers, wondering why Leo would have videos of the room. Why would he watch videos of the two of them sleeping together? What had Leo expected to see? 

Ravi had not expected to see Leo climbing out of the bed only an hour or so after Ravi had fallen asleep. He pressed play on the video, watching Leo touch himself as he laid there unknowingly. There was a sick fascination to it, watching as Leo cut off his own release before collapsing onto the floor beside him to sleep.

 

_ Well fuck _ . 

 

It was no secret that Leo had some deep seeded issues that needed resolving, but watching that video solidified Ravi’s theory. The way his heart was set up, Ravi almost considered foregoing his own death to help save the man from himself. But Ravi had made the same mistake for love once before, and if it couldn’t save him then, he doubted it could save him after he saved Leo. There would never be a day that Ravi was truly happy, and so staying on this earth for even a second longer than he had planned was just out of the question.

 

Leo would have to find someone to help sort through his mind elsewhere.

 

Ravi closed down the window and opened up google, doing a quick search on the plant to make sure he remembered everything correctly before turning the phone screen off and preparing his gloves. He pushed his hair back from his head, and stood. His eyes almost immediately fell on the flower, just a fair few growing at the base of a hedge about 20 feet away. 

 

As Ravi crouched down to look at the plants, a wave of emotion attempted to crash down on him but Ravi refused, pushing them away. Now was not the time for crying. He didn't want Leo to come looking for him, so he'd better be quick.

 

Ravi had snagged four latex gloves from Leo’s bathroom as he was getting ready that morning, folded them into small squares and jammed them into his pockets. He had also grabbed a travel sized hand sanitizer for immediate sanitization while he was out there. Nature would provide everything else. 

 

Ravi grabbed one flower, pinched it between two fingers and uprooted the bulb from the earth easily. He laid back down on the blanket, eyes staring at the flower in his hands. It was amazing to see the once blue veins in the stem and leaves of the flower slowly turn to a crimson red. The substance had started to leak from the severed stem, and Ravi caught it with his tongue. The milk inside the flower tasted like blood, thick, metallic and oddly enticing.

 

He hummed in surprise and gave a suck to the severed end of the stem. Could plants feel? Did this plant feel Ravi sucking the life from it the way he felt Leo sucking the wound in his chest? Ravi pulled the stem from his mouth to look at the flower in the center. Blue blood that bleeds red, sensitive to the environment and lethal in even just small doses. The flower was the perfect analogy of humanity.

 

It felt like his heart was ready to burst from his chest. Ravi had to take a couple deep breaths as he stared at the center of the flower.  _ Would he bleed from his ass _ ? He certainly hoped not. That wasn’t something that he wanted Leo to have to clean up at all. 

 

Before he could talk himself out of it he was opening his mouth wide and shoving the bloom inside. It was sweet, aside from the taste of blood, and Ravi chewed easily, seeing now why so many animals had died over this plant. It tasted nothing like death, Ravi would even go so far as to call the taste pleasant.

 

So he chewed and chewed, making sure that he had ground the bloom to bits before swallowing. It stung the back of his throat just a bit going down, and Ravi wondered what that was. Was it that poisonous “ _ blood _ ” breaking down his body already? He popped the stem into his mouth and chewed on the end like a farmer chewed on wheat, sucking it in piece by piece. 

 

Not wanting to cut his moment of solitude any closer, Ravi stood and began to shed the gloves, folding them into each other just like he had seen the lady do on the tv. Ravi then pulled out the travel bottle of sanitizer he’d stolen from Leo’s bathroom with the gloves and doused his hands until the bottle was empty; he didn’t want to kill or blind Leo on accident.

 

Then he was cleaning up the area, swatting the ants off the picnic basket with a genuine sadness for them. He removed the old sandwiches, leaving them on the spot of grass where the blanket and basket were, so that they didn’t have to stress too much about funding them. Ravi chuckled to himself, shaking a fair few off of his hand and wondering why he cared so much about the fate of a couple hundred pesky insects. He held the opened bottle of wine and shook the blanket out before folding it onto the basket and heading back to the house. He had been gone for over an hour now, and Leo was sure to be expecting him back soon.

  
  
  
  


\+ - + - + - + -

  
  


Leo sat at the table in the kitchen, watching Ravi’s back recede into the treeline just beyond his yard. He sensed something different in his Ravi that morning. Something had changed and Leo had a feeling that Ravi was more settled into his role, and that he was preparing to take his leave. The clearing was a lovely place, and would probably be an even better resting place, but Leo had asked because he didn’t want to have his one precious space tainted by death. No, he didn’t want any part of this aberrant relationship to mark any part of that clearing negatively.

 

The doorbell rang, giving Leo a reason to jump out of his skin. He glanced towards the front hallway before looking out the kitchen window; Ravi was gone from his view, but Leo still hesitated in his chair. No one could know Ravi was here. He had essentially run away from home, and if he showed up dead on the news, whomever was at the door could jeopardize the quiet death Ravi had wished for, not to mention Leo’s future. He sighed as the doorbell rang again, making his way to it quickly, wanting to avoid any sort of suspicion from him not answering right away. He swung the door open and stared out at the person in front of his door.

 

“Jung Taekwoon, he lives!” 

 

“Ahh, Cha Hakyeon! Unexpected visit!” Taekwoon smiled at his guest, as he pulled the door open wider. 

 

Taekwoon was grateful he had no nearby neighbors, as his body was only scarcely covered by his towel. Hakyeon made a point to embrace Taekwoon in a warm hug.

 

Hakyeon was about Taekwoon’s height, with soft, caramel colored skin. His hair was dark and styled professionally at every hour of the day. He was a fellow psychologist in his practice, and more notably, Taekwoon's closest thing to a friend. They’d most recently gone out for drinks. Taekwoon let one too many things slip from his drunken lips, and Hakyeon became dangerously interested in the man behind Taekwoon’s mask.

 

“I came to check on you. I called you a few times yesterday but no answer! You have rushed off all week from work, I haven't had a chance to speak with you.”

 

Taekwoon patted his friend on the back and stepped aside to let him in.

 

“Have a seat on the couch, let me grab some pants and a shirt maybe.” Taekwoon chuckled to himself. 

 

“Ohh, Taekwoon! Do not let my wandering eyes distract you!” Hakyeon giggled, waggling his eyebrows towards the other. 

 

Taekwoon rolled his eyes as he shook his head with a smile as he left to get dressed. Hakyeon was a whole hallway and a few rooms away, yet Taekwoon still felt eyes watching him. Despite his words, Taekwoon knew this was not merely a friendly visit, but Hakyeon had come to find out something in specific. Taekwoon had to be sure he was out of the house before Ravi arrived back. He dressed in a tshirt and sleep pants and practically ran back down the hall.

 

When he skidded around the corner he noted Hakyeon to be in the chair that looked out of the kitchen window, where he had been staring passively before Hakyeon arrived. Hakyeon’s eyes turned to Taekwoon, one brow lifting in question at the harried look on his face. Taekwoon moved towards the fridge smoothly and pulled out two water bottles. He sat in the chair directly opposite of Hakyeon, back to the door, hoping his long torso blocked Hakyeon’s vision outside.

 

“So, how are things going?” Hakyeon asked, sitting straight back in his chair. 

 

His legs were crossed at the thigh, and he gave his right leg a twitch every few seconds. Taekwoon noted how Hakyeon's foot dangled seemingly lazily, yet his toes were pointed directly towards the ground. Hakyeon gave a light clearing of his throat to gain Taekwoon’s attention.

 

Such poise.

 

“I've been well. Mostly keeping to myself, focusing on me, like you suggested.” Taekwoon tried to put forth his best smile.

 

Hakyeon hummed and then nodded. “I see. What have you learned about yourself, Taekwoon?”

 

Enough to keep him up at night, but he wasn't telling Hakyeon that, at least not now anyway.

 

“I don't know what you expect me to look for.” Taekwoon shrugged with a polite smile. 

 

The formalities.

 

“What do you think I'm expecting for you to find?” Hakyeon asked.

 

Taekwoon was glad Ravi wasn't in the house to hear any of this. He couldn't possibly continue his role if Ravi had solid proof that Leo was just as broken as he was.

 

“Some sort of magical answer.” Taekwoon chuckled.

 

Hakyeon allowed himself to laugh. “Absolutely not. There's just something inside you that you're afraid to look at dead on. You acknowledge yourself at a glance, never looking for more than a fraction of a second.”

 

“And you expect me to tell you why that is?” Taekwoon arched a brow at him.

 

“How could you if you don't know yourself?” Hakyeon smirked.

 

Taekwoon laughed. “Cha Hakyeon, go home. I am fine my friend.”

 

Hakyeon looked him over once, giving him a curt nod and began to smile in that polite way of his.

 

“Oh, fine. We ought to do dinner soon, though.” The man said as he stood.

 

“So you can get me drunk again?” Taekwoon chuckled, following Hakyeon to the front door.

 

“I like the things you say when you've been drinking. Much more crass with wine on your tongue. Maybe this time you can show me the part of you that you're afraid of.” Hakyeon stood in the doorway for a moment, looking at Taekwoon with those the psychological eyes again.

 

“When you're ready to talk about this week, you have my number.” Hakyeon said. 

 

Taekwoon nodded dumbly, and the other pushed out another wonderful smile before bouncing towards his car. Taekwoon watched Hakyeon drive away before heading back inside. He leaned against the door and sighed a great breath of relief.

 

Hakyeon was the prime example of someone who Taekwoon didn't want knowing Ravi was around. He was a psychologist, and a great one at that. Hakyeon also had very oppositional views towards Taekwoon’s ideas about suicide, to the point where Taekwoon considered him cruel at times. The chances were very high that Hakyeon would force Taekwoon to turn in himself as well as Ravi, if he knew the truth, or he would turn them both in on his own accord.

 

Taekwoon made sure to lock the door before he moved back into the kitchen. He slumped into the chair where he'd been sitting when Hakyeon was present. The whole visit had maybe spanned twenty minutes, yet Taekwoon’s brain felt like it'd been pulsed in a blender until it was nothing but mush.

 

Imagine the look on Hakyeon’s face, if Taekwoon had actually let the thoughts and feelings he’d been pushing away slip from his lips. How would the man react to hearing that Taekwoon had straddled a man last night and sucked his blood after cutting him open?

What could have happened if Hakyeon had popped in while Ravi was home? What if Hakyeon had knocked on the door while they were humping each other in the kitchen yesterday? Or while Ravi was screaming his name last night? Taekwoon shook his head. He got lucky, but luck only runs so long and they didn't have much time.

 

Which brought him back to his earlier stresses, it had been just about an hour now. How long did Ravi actually plan to stay out there? Was he dead? Did he want to die out there all alone? Dread creeped up his esophagus and Taekwoon ran his hands through his hair. At first he had the desire to want to fuck Ravi’s brains out every time he cried, but now,  _ now _ Taekwoon just wanted to hold cherish Ravi, and let him know that he was cherished, too.

 

It was selfish, but he'd grown quite fond of the man who existed solely in his life, and he didn't want Ravi to die.

 

It was pointless to try and convince himself that he was just helping at this point. Taekwoon was so far in over his head he didn't know which way was up. Taekwoon huffed once again, stopping only after every last bit of breath had puffed out in order to take a deep inhale, trying to calm his mind. His emotions were coming at him so quickly that he felt overwhelmed by them. Taekwoon took a few more deep breaths, searching for his center. He didn't need Ravi coming in and seeing him in the middle of… whatever this was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the last chapter!  
> Prepare yourselves. 


	9. So Be It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They shouldn’t have ever been together in that capacity, but it was apparent that love, even their distorted version of it, was what Ravi needed. 
> 
> If Leo’s love brought Ravi to a clear and peaceful state of mind just to confirm that this was indeed the end, then so be it. 
> 
> If Leo would mourn the loss of his first and only love, at his own hand no less, then so be it. Leo felt it a small sacrifice, his momentary sadness for Ravi’s eternal happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me a lot longer to finally finish this one. Mostly because I didn't want it to end, partly because I'm hypercritical. I wanted this to be perfect.
> 
> I still don't know if it is perfect, but it's damn near close in my eyes anyway. 
> 
> **WARNING** This is the death chapter. So like, almost every tag applies to this specific chapter. If you've got a big ol empathetic heart, maybe just be sure you have the emotional and mental capacity this before you read this. I personally don't find it to be too jarring or anything of that nature, but thd elements are still there and self care is so much more important than anything else.

When Ravi came back to the house, Leo was playing with the plastic lid of his water bottle absently. Ravi looked over the two bottles on the table. Leo had one in his hand, and was almost finished with it while the other sat across from him sweating and unopened. He hadn't noticed until now, but he was definitely feeling thirsty and Ravi couldn't help but smile from thinking Leo had fished it out of the fridge for his return. Ravi closed the door behind him with his foot, stumbling a bit but catching himself before the other could take notice. He went to the counter and dropped the basket down with a thud. 

 

Whoops. 

 

He felt Leo’s eyes on him as he washed his hands in extra hot water. He'd been safe, overusing the hand sanitizer out in the clearing, but he didn’t want to take any risks with Leo’s life or eyesight. The water was scalding and his washed his hands vigorously, steam lifting from the bottom of the metal sink. Ravi's skin was pink, especially at the palms, and hot, burning from the water. Ravi could feel it, but felt oddly detached from it... like he was floating just above his body. He wasn’t in pain, but he was aware it should be there. 

 

How quickly that poison had begun to shut down his system.

 

Ravi suddenly felt Leo behind him, peering over Ravi’s shoulder into the sink as he washed and re-washed his hands.

 

“Ya!” Leo yelped, reaching over him and twisting the knob on the cold water. 

 

Ravi cocked a brow, surprised at the way Leo ignored the way the water splashed with both faucets turned up all the way. He just stared into the sink, watching the way his hands massaged Ravi’s hands with the now cool water. Ravi thought their skin looked like milk and honey, swirling together under the steady stream of cool water.

 

Or, maybe that was just the flower talking. 

 

Leo turned off the water and grabbed a towel off the oven rack. He looked up from Ravi’s warm hands and right into his eyes.

 

“You have done something, haven’t you?” Leo asked him, searching his face.

 

Ravi said nothing, hardly registering the words as he surveyed Leo’s face. He wanted to etch those soft lips into his memory. He tried to instill the roundness of his cheeks, contrasting the sharpness of his gaze. Ravi reached out a hand, dragging his fingers slowly across the skin of his jaw. He wanted to remember the feel of Leo's silken, luminous skin under his fingertips, but they were numb and tingly. 

 

“Oh, Ravi.” Leo’s thumb ran over the back of the hand that he still held.

 

Leo sighed softly after moments of silence, that sad look in his eyes again. He let go of Ravi’s hand to put the towel down on the counter. “No breakfast, then?”

Ravi dropped his own hand from Leo’s face. The flower had taken up most of the space in Ravi's too small stomach, leaving no room to eat with Leo as he had done just the day before. Plus, he didn't know how his body would react to food after eating that bloom, but he wasn't willing to risk spending his last few hours on the toilet.

 

Ravi sat in Leo’s chair and chugged the unopened water bottle while Leo set about making breakfast. Ravi's eyes trailed the curve of Leo's backside as he leaned into the refrigerator to grab some eggs and produce from the bottom drawers. Could he even suggest they go again like they had last night? He was slightly sore, but only just. Leo’s large and comforting hands would make it all worth it.

 

When Leo straightened, arms laden with ingredients, he turned for just a brief moment, checking on the one who seemed to be dissipating right before his eyes. They made eye contact and Leo examined him for a long moment, taking in dilated pupils and flushed skin. Leo turned to place his items on the clean counter and tried to calm his thrashing heart.

 

“Please, eat. I enjoy watching.” Ravi said, noting the tension in Leo’s broad shoulders. He realized how odd the phrase sounded as it slipped through his lips, and his mind traveled back to the video he had seen on Leo’s phone; the one of Leo watching him, masturbating to some skewed fantasy. 

 

Leo outright laughed, pushing his hair back from his face. Ravi smiled at the sound, wishing he could jar it up and take it to the grave with him. “Oh do you?”

 

“I do enjoy watching you cook and eat… but not as much as you enjoy watching me sleep, apparently.” The statement sounded much more peevish than he had intended, considering he wasn't upset with Leo at all. 

 

At the counter, Leo froze, unsure of how to respond. Ravi stood slowly and moved over to the counter beside Leo. He watched as Ravi reached into the picnic basket placed the phone on the counter. A scarlet tint crept up Leo’s face, burning his cheeks and ears a fierce scarlet. He looked like a child who had been caught sneaking by his parents. Ravi couldn't help but laugh, good natured and from the belly, patting Leo on the shoulder. 

 

“You're not in trouble, Leo. Were you ever going to tell me about that camera?”

 

Leo managed looked over to him for a mere second before casting his eyes downward once again. The blush that had now taken over his neck settled so nicely on his skin. Ravi admired that. No matter what state Leo was in, he was a goddamn piece of art. 

 

“I was hoping that I wouldn't have to.” Leo confessed softly.

 

Ravi laughed again; at least he was being honest. 

 

“Fair enough. I would say you have some explaining to do, but I'm not sure that you have explained any of this to yourself.” 

 

Such profound thoughts for someone whose brain functions were slightly out of whack. 

 

“Oddly enough, you are not the only one who has told me that I have some soul-searching to do.”

 

Ravi laughed again, distantly wondering who Leo had allowed his guard down for. In that moment he felt a little jealous… upset, even, for naively thinking every mystery that man had was known only to him. Leo may have been his, but Taekwoon was a man of his own. Ravi swallowed the bitter taste of unprecedented envy in his throat and decided to change the subject. 

 

“What are you making?”

 

At the counter, Leo was also grateful for the subject change, as he never enjoyed having the inner workings of his splintered mind being on display. “Just some eggs and peppers.” 

 

“That's a very light breakfast.”

 

Leo nodded, but didn't respond aloud. He didn't want to admit to Ravi his feelings, like if he ate a full meal he just might puke it all out when he considered what tomorrow held in store for them. His heart was pounding in his ribcage, trying to break free and cling onto Ravi. Leo took a deep, shaky breath, wanting to quell his frenzied nerves, but the way Ravi’s feet dragged on the way back to his chair and the muted ‘oomf’ he made as he slumped into it wasn't helping Leo to compose himself.

The poison from the flower had been hitting Ravi in small waves; starting with his dry throat and numbed digits, to now, where his vision seemed to swim or cloud over for small increments of time. A few rapid blinks and then the images would translate clearly to back his brain again. Ravi also felt hot, but he'd rather attribute that to the stove.

It seemed like hours had passed, and yet not a second had gone by before he was sitting across from Ravi at the table and eating. Now, even time was slipping from him.

 

“Ravi,” Leo spoke between mouthfuls of egg. “Is there anything you would like to do today?” 

 

Ravi considered the question, realizing he didn't have a “bucket list” or any last wishes to fulfill before he took his exit from this world. Just Leo’s company and a comfy place preceding his ascent to eternal rest. 

 

“Movie day? We can order in as well... if that's okay?” Ravi added, not wanting to assume that Leo would be willing to shell out cash for takeout. Leo beamed at him and nodded. 

 

“We can watch whatever movie you want. I have quite the collection, please feel free to pick whatever strikes your fancy.”

“How do you feel about pepperoni pizza?” Ravi knew the other man ate meat and he definitely knew he ate pork, but he hadn’t seen Leo eat a greasy meal the entire that he stayed with him. 

 

Leo shrugged. “If that's what you want, then that's what we are eating.”

 

Ravi stared in disbelief, jaw slack. “Are you saying that you don't like pizza?”

 

“I'm not saying I don't like pizza,” Leo paused and considered his words for a moment, “I'm saying that whatever you want, we will have.”

 

“Your deflection will not work on me, Leo.” Ravi leaned forward, elbows on the table. The smallest finger on his right hand was aimed directly at Leo’s chest. 

 

“Do you or do you not like pizza?”

 

Leo shrugged again, pushing around the last bit of his eggs with a small smile. “It's not one of my favorite dishes…” 

 

Ravi leaned back in his chair with an exaggerated huff. “You mean to tell me, that I've been sharing a bed with a pizza dislike-r this whole time?” He threw his hands up in mock disgust. 

 

Leo pushed away from the table rolling his eyes. He swiped the rest if the egg into the trash bin with his fork, before placing his dish in the sink for washing later. “Such melodrama. Come, let us lay in bed and watch movies until you're ready to eat.”

 

Leo instructed Ravi to sit on the bed while he asked him what type of movie he wanted to watch. The sun was still high in the sky, but Ravi had only now noticed Leo’s thick curtains that could easily throw the room into total darkness.

 

“Horror.”

 

Leo looked at him over his shoulder and grinned. “How did I know? Lucky for you, I have a pretty decent horror collection.”

 

Ravi made a show of rolling his eyes dramatically. “A vampire that enjoys horror films.” He rolled his eyes.

 

“How about I show you my favorite?”

 

Ravi smirked and Leo turned to look back at him once again, surprised to notice the man had begun to undress himself. 

 

“How do you know I have not already seen it?” Ravi asked, as he pulled his shirt up and over his head. Leo watched on shamelessly, licking his lips at the healing wound on his chest.

 

“I don’t  _ know _ , but I have a feeling you haven’t.”

 

He put the disc into the DVD player and pressed the button to close it. Ravi was sprawled across the bed by this time, wearing only his boxers. His eyes bore into Leo’s back, watching his every move. Leo didn't make a show of his undressing per se, but he took his time pulling his shirt off, as well as sliding his sweats down his legs. The way Ravi licked his lips while watching him was enough to make Leo smile.

 

A nagging voice in the back of his head, that sounded oddly like Hakyeon, told him that he shouldn't be engaging Ravi this way, especially so close to the end, but he couldn't help himself. The man looked at him with hungry eyes and only Leo had the recipe to satiate his needs. 

 

Leo sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard and grabbing the remote off of the nightstand. He pressed play as the screen came to the disc menu. Ravi was still looking at Leo, though, eyes sliding down his body from his head to his neck, from his shoulders to his arms to his chest to his navel... Leo spared him a glance before turning back to the TV.

 

“I feel as if you've mistaken me for the lunch menu.”

 

Ravi laughed a little too loudly, feeling loose in his body. “Oh no, Leo! Does it feel like I'm staring at you while trying to decide which body part of yours I should take a bite of?” 

 

“Is that how you feel when I look at you?” 

 

Ravi’s shoulders hitched, not quite a shrug but somewhat close; “With my eyes on you does it feel like your skin is on fire and your insides are melting?” 

 

Leo let a goofy grin spread across his face. How odd for them both to be connected in this way… only how odd was it, really? Ravi rolled his eyes again before turning his gaze back to Leo's. The two stared at each other in a comfortable silence, smiling and just taking the view of each other in. 

 

Leo wasn't exactly sure what Ravi had done out in the clearing but he could see that the man was not the same. His muscles were relaxed, even his eyes strained to keep focus. He felt a little cool and clammy to the touch. The lovely man sighed and tucked his chin into his chest, mischievous smirk spreading across his face.

 

“Do you  _ really  _ want to watch this movie, Leo?” Ravi asked. 

 

Leo’s eyes flicked to the blood and gore on the TV, then back down to Ravi, and then back at the TV for a second longer before settling finally on Ravi. 

 

“Do you  _ not  _ want to watch TV?”

 

“I could think of plenty of other things we could do. We can always pause the movie.” Ravi smirked. 

 

“Oh?” Leo asked, cocking his head. 

 

Ravi reached out, but his arms felt so heavy to him. Leo laid down beside him and Ravi entwined their legs so casually, like it was just a thing that they did. Wrapped in Ravi’s arms, the pads of his fingers ghosted Leo’s pale skin, raising goosebumps across his body. Leo closed his eyes momentarily, relishing this moment between them, fighting the urge to shiver as Ravi caressed his back.

 

“Leo?”

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“Can I ask you something?” Ravi asked, touching Leo’s skin everywhere his hands could reach.

 

Leo nodded softly, eyes still closed. Ravi smiled though Leo couldn't see it, bringing one hand to feel the softness of Leo’s face, particularly his cheek. Leo smiled at this, covering Ravi’s hand with his own. He turned his head slightly and kissed Ravi’s palm.

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

Such a loaded question.

 

“As in…?”

 

Ravi snorted. “Why do you really want to help me do... _this_? I mean I get that you want to help people, but you do that for a living. I feel like there's so much more to this than what you say.” 

 

Ravi felt every single muscle in Leo’s body tense up. His jaw set in that way it had in the car when Ravi began asking prying questions and it didn't take a rocket scientist to see that Leo was upset. 

 

“ _ I don't know _ .” 

 

He didn't mean for the words to come out so hard and cold. He didn't mean to lose his cool demeanor with Ravi, but Leo didn't know  _ what  _ was happening to him and he wished people would stop asking. It seemed as though the universe was working in tandem with his conscience, and Hakyeon, to nag on his lack of self-awareness. 

 

“I think,” Ravi started, moving a few strands of hair from Leo’s face. “You know. I think I know, too. That's not on you. You're not responsible, and  _ this _ , what we have, is not going to change how you feel about that.” Ravi leaned forward and kissed him between the eyes. 

 

Leo stared at the other man for a second. Just the other day after a response from Leo in this manner, he had shut down… but now he was the one consoling Leo with soft fingers and assurances.

 

“I want people to know that there's someone out there in their corner, no matter what.” Leo said after a moment of thinking.

 

Ravi nodded slowly, a sign for Leo to expand on his thoughts when he was ready to.

 

“My mother felt a lot of shame in having chronic depression. My father ridiculed her constantly. People would whisper, the neighborhood kids would always tease me about her, which of course increased her anxiety and depression. She had only one true friend in her life, and then that friend moved away. It got to the point where she would break more and more often and I-”

 

Leo’s cheeks and ears and nose were red. His jaw was tight again, but not in the guarded way it had been before. Ravi felt Leo’s heart racing against his chest, his eyes far away, staring off into the space between them. Leo took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

 

“My mother was beautiful, and despite the chemical imbalances she stayed pretty sharp. Some days were worse than others but ‘every day was another day’, as she would say.”

 

He chuckled softly to himself, and Ravi rubbed the base of his neck softly.

 

“I’ve never told anyone this but, I actually spoke with her that day. She had called me and told me everything. She sobbed into the phone and told me told me that she was tired of being broken… when she was having a hard day, she would call herself broken… I hated the term so much, but it didn't seem like the right time to tell her that she wasn't  _ broken _ . Maybe I should have anyway.”

 

Ravi nodded in understanding. Whenever he got into a mood, the last thing he wanted to hear was his mother telling him that everything would be all right, and that nothing was wrong with him.

 

“She continued on and that's when she told me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her. And how I was the best son, and the best friend, that any mother could have asked for in the entire world.” 

 

A silver tear slipped it's way from the corner of Leo's eye and moistened the pillow beneath his head. Ravi watched it fall as if it were moving in slow motion. Leo closed his eyes and took another deep breath. Ravi took this opportunity to wipe the tear trail from his cheek, sliding his thumb up the skin there to dry it.

 

“As she's on the phone with me sobbing and telling me she's tired of being broken, there was still this hint of joy in her voice. And on her broken days rarely did she seem even remotely happy. I had known early on in the phone call what she had called to tell me, but I let her guide the situation.”

 

Leo took a shaky breath, his cheeks burning scarlet as he fought the tears that threatened to stream down his face. He tried to calm himself, lower his heart rate and just slow down but he couldn't. He hadn't brought this up to anyone, not even Hakyeon, and it felt good to just let it out.

 

“My mom was  _ alone _ , all her life, and ultimately in death. I  _ hate _ that.” Leo's voice shook with passion and a deep anguish that washed over Ravi like the rains of a thunderstorm.

 

The silence in the room was only broken by Leo’s own heavy breathing. A warmth bloomed in his chest as Leo confessed to Ravi, giving him a glimpse into who Taekwoon was inside. Ravi continued to stroke his cheek softly, just being there for Leo as Leo had been there for Ravi time and time again.

 

It was a while before Leo spoke again, giving himself time to calm down. He'd let himself get worked up. Though it felt better to let it out, and of course he  _ knew _ it was better to let it out, Leo couldn't help but feel the need to shut the feelings down.

 

“I don't think it's fair for anyone who spent their life alone… to die alone, too.”

 

Ravi sounded in agreement. Knowing you're about to die and you've spent the entirety of your life in solace was one the worst parts of the whole thing. Leo huffed out a long breath of air, his round cheeks bulging and slowly deflating. He let out an awkward chuckle and looked up over to Ravi.

 

“You should see a psych.” Ravi giggled, rubbing the man's arm now.

 

“Oh, thanks.” Leo smiled softly. 

 

Ravi offered no response, his eyes were confused, almost as if he were in his head somewhere far away from Leo. Leo cocked his eyes at this expression, looking the other over critically. The room was silent again, Ravi continuing to wipe Leo's face free of tears. After a moment or two, Leo leaned in towards the other, hesitating for only a second before skin of their lips touched briefly.

 

“I hope you've gotten the information you were looking for?” Leo prompted.

Ravi nodded almost imperceptibly. “Yes.” 

 

“Regretting your decision to leave your suicide in my hands?” Leo let out a fake laugh, but Ravi saw through it anyway. He smiled and pinched at the fat of Leo’s cheeks.

 

“Never.” Ravi answered truthfully. 

 

“Well, what are you thinking about, then?” Leo finally asked, realizing the other wasn't just going to say what was on his mind. “You're being so quiet and it’s… unsettling.”

As if the question pulled him back to earth, Ravi’s face became alert once again. A smile grew on his face that Leo would have to say was the filthiest look Ravi had given him yet. Ravi's fingers slid into his hair, nails scratching across his scalp lazily, yet seductively. 

Leo responded immediately and began to kiss at Ravi's jaw. His eyes fluttered at Leo’s soft touch. 

 

“Mmm... I was actually... thinking…” Ravi paused to try and form a sentence but Leo’s teeth were scraping against the skin of his neck in the sweetest way and he was so distracted.

 

“Of us...of this...” Ravi mumbled the words, tilting his neck to to the right, allowing Leo more access to his skin.

 

“You were thinking of us?”

 

“What will happen to us when I die?” 

 

Leo smiled against his skin, the movement tingling Ravi to the core.

 

“Nothing. I'll always be yours. Your spirit can live here if you want.” Leo chuckled, climbing on top of Ravi. 

 

“I imagine having a ghost boyfriend would get old quickly.” Ravi laughed with amusement. 

 

Leo's palms cupped the sides of Ravi’s face gingerly, taking him in; his too warm honey skin, his thin, pink lips, and that beautiful fucking laugh of his. How could Leo ever tire of looking at him? 

 

“Try me.” 

 

Leo brought his hands down Ravi’s chest and sides, his fingers tracing every dip and every plane of his body that he could reach. His lips attached themselves to Ravi’s neck again… those sweet loving kisses made Ravi’s heart feel like molten lava in his volcano of a body, and he moaned at the warm sensations Leo made him feel, throat rumbling under Leo’s lips. 

 

Oh, how Leo loved that sound, like the rolling thunder before a storm, deep and full. When he bit down somewhat roughly on his neck, Ravi cursed breathily. Every fucking sound he made computed as music to Leo’s ear. His heart beat at a dangerous pace as he moved down Ravi’s neck and chest, leaving a trail of kisses down his body.

 

Leo looked up through hooded eyes at Ravi as he came to the edge of his boxers. He kept his eyes and he kissed along the waistband, whispering promises of his eternal love for Ravi. Ravi bit his lip. His eyeballs felt like they were swimming.

 

“Do you want to do this right now?” Leo asked, taking in Ravi’s tears with serious examination.

 

Ravi rolled his eyes, trying to wipe his face and hide his smile. “You can be a bit of a mood killer, sometimes.” 

 

“You are not yourself. I had to ask.” Leo thumbed away the tears.

 

“I’m fine. Please, do suck my cock.” Ravi giggled, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

 

“See, was that so hard?”

 

“No, but I know what is-” Ravi outright laughed now, and Leo couldn't help but smile in response; Ravi was full of beautiful sounds.

 

Leo tugged at the edge of the boxers and Ravi lifted his bum to allow the clothing to slip off his hips. Ravi's erection stood proud between them, his tip already glistening with the evidence of his impending orgasm. One quick lick of the lips and then Leo’s pink lips were stretching around his girth. He pressed down into his crotch, the head of Ravi's cock hitting the back of his throat. Leo’s large hands massaged Ravi’s thighs hungrily, as if he was afraid to let go.

 

“ _ Ahhh, fuck _ .” Ravi groaned, a handful of sheets rumpling between his fingers.

 

Leo pressed his tongue flat against him and swallowed. Ravi practically lept from the bed, Leo’s throat closing around his cock taking him by surprise. Leo rumbled a laugh, the vibrations radiating Ravi’s cock and he groaned again.

 

“ _ Christ, Leo, quit fucking with me _ .” Ravi was sweating lightly, his brow and chest glistening in the light of the TV.

 

It wasn't nearly as rewarding as the sunlight on Ravi’s skin, but still Leo loved the view from down there. He merely hummed again and took Ravi’s entire length into his mouth once more, bobbing his head slow and deep before coming off of him. Ravi watched through slit eyes as Leo sucked on two fingers sloppily. His knees fell to the mattress, legs wide open, anxious for what Leo had in store for him.

 

“Oh Ravi, I haven't even begun fucking with you.”

  
  
  
  


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Ravi stood in front of the patio doors, staring out through the open slats of the blinds wrapped tightly in a blanket. He had drawn the curtains when he'd first heard the rain and had stood there since, mesmerised. Ravi’s eyes followed the drops of water from the clouds to the ground as if he’d never seen rain before. 

 

The moment the rain started, Ravi had snuck out of the bed to watch it. He thought Leo to be asleep, but rarely did Leo sleep since Ravi had come around. Most nights he just watched, and wondered and fantasized about all things encompassing Ravi.

 

From the bed, for what must have been the millionth time that day, Leo contemplated Ravi’s beauty. It was something about his jaw, rounded and slow sloping. Or maybe his nose, angular and prominent on his face but not consuming. It could have been his eyes, how they crinkled at the corners, little crescents of light twinkling in the moon’s glow. 

 

There were a hundred things on Ravi’s face alone that Leo believed to be perfect, and for every physical feature, Leo could pick two things that he loved about Ravi's personality itself. Leo felt his chest bloom with the warmth of being touched by such a beautiful soul, before realization set in and his heart dropped to depths of his stomach. It was a blessing, and a curse, that Kim Wonsik walked into Leo’s life. 

 

How could he ever let the person that gave him this feeling die?

 

As if he could sense Leo’s distress, Ravi turned to him and smiled a small, reassuring smile. Leo’s heart leapt as Ravi ticked his head towards him, and opened his arms. Hours after sex, pizza and movies, the two of them had showered together, Ravi cradling Leo to his chest. Underneath the blanket Ravi stood naked, just as Leo was on the bed. 

 

Leo was out of bed in a flash reaching for the bit of the blanket that Ravi was holding out and closed them in the blanket. His arms snaked around Ravi’s waist and Leo stood behind him, resting his chin on the other’s shoulder. Ravi watched the rain while Leo watched him. Ravi leaned back into him, though he kept his eyes on the outside world, shining and wet from the rain.

 

“Would you like to go outside?” Leo asked, a hint of mischief in his voice. Ravi’s eyes widened and he looked at Leo through his peripheral vision.

 

“I don’t want to dress.”

 

Leo chuckled and reached out of the blanket to turn the handle at the door. Ravi bit his lip nervously as Leo pushed the door open, biting winds and chilled rain swirling in. It was coming down much harder than it looked from inside, and the air was freezing… but Ravi’s feet moved on their own accord, taking him out onto the patio. Leo followed, one arm still wrapped around Ravi and the other hand holding the blanket closed tightly.

 

The moment Ravi’s bare feet touched the cool wet cement of the floor, a shiver passed through his body. Leo simply held him tighter, neither moving forward nor making a move back toward the warm shelter of the house. Ravi took another step out, and then another. 

 

Leo loved the way that Ravi looked at the world, like he had seen all these things but it had been so long ago. It was amazing to see the way his outlook on life changed the way he saw things. Ravi was happy, for the first time in a  _ long _ time, and because of that, everything around him was steeped in beauty.

 

They reached the banister, both soaking wet and weighed down by the blanket. Ravi didn’t seem to notice so Leo wouldn’t bother to care. The wind whipped around them mercilessly, but Ravi gripped the metal tailing tightly and leaned forward with his eyes closed. Behind him, Leo chuckled softly, reminded of a western movie with the woman on the front of the ship. 

 

After a few moments, Ravi turned around to face him, and oh… how the moon highlighted his face. Dark eyes peered at him over rosy cheeks. Droplets of water beaded on his lashes and dripped off the edge of his pointed nose. How many times a day could Leo marvel at Ravi’s beauty?

 

Leo's eyes flickered over his face so rapidly that Ravi couldn't keep up with them. He was too busy staring himself, at Leo’s dark hair, the way it curled loosely and clung to his face from the moisture. Leo’s hair had always seemed straight to him, so it blew his mind to see the slight bend in the strands. He touched the soft hair, twirling it between his fingers. Leo was so very soft.

 

They kissed, smalls drops of fresh water trickling into their mouths with each tilt of the head. Ravi's hands trailed Leo’s sides slowly, now familiar to the planes of his body, before wrapping around his neck. Leo sighed into the kiss, grabbing Ravi’s bottom lip with his teeth. Leo licked across Ravi’s teeth, and he recognized Ravi’s blood on his tongue again. Where was it coming from? Thunder rolled low over the fields, and lightning flashed through the sky. The rain continued, a steady precipitation as they kissed each other, unhurried. 

 

Nevermind the bare skin under a soaking blanket. Nevermind the cool spring rains. Nevermind the persistent winds. Ravi couldn't focus on anything but Leo’s tongue in his mouth, leading him in a dance that claimed Ravi’s breath. The way his heart raced as Leo pushed his body against his. Ravi felt as though he was losing his sense of self.

 

His head was spinning wildly, and he Ravi was thankful for Leo’s strong arms and the metal railing digging into his back, keeping him from collapsing to the ground. His muscles felt weak now, arms dropping slightly off Leo’s shoulders. But still he kissed his lover ferociously, and Leo only held him tighter. The thunder rolled again, a loud and steady pulsing that Ravi could feel all throughout his chest.

 

“Your heart is beating so loudly.” Leo pulled away from Ravi a bit, looking him over in the moonlight. 

 

Ravi’s eyes were widely dilated, and largely unfocused. Ravi made a sound that merely brushed off the observation, unable to formulate an answer. Instead, he made a weak attempt to pull his lover back to him again.

 

Leo held tightly to their blanket, thinking maybe coming outside had been a bad idea. Ravi was mumbling something incoherent, and his knees were shaking. He decided their stint in the outside world had been enough. Leo let go of the blanket, letting it slide to the ground at their feet. Ravi hardly took notice though, holding his own hand to his chest, patting along to the rapid beating of his heart.

 

It was nothing to pick the man up in his arms. Leo pushed the patio door open with his foot and carried Ravi into the bedroom as gently as he would a child. He used the same foot to shut the door, and made the few steps to the bathroom, trying to minimize the wet drippings on the carpet. He sat Ravi down at the far end of the tub and turned the water on. In mere moments the water was warmed up, and Leo started the shower and stepped in himself, sitting behind Ravi and pulling him to his chest.

 

Warm water cascaded down on them, pushing out the chill in their bones. Leo bit his lip as he rubbed Ravi’s still-thumping chest. Much of their time together had been spent in silence, mostly from Ravi’s fear of Leo’s thoughts about him. Now the silence was on Leo, because Ravi couldn’t get his tongue to speak, and Leo couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge what was happening.

 

There seemed to be a cycle to this death, or maybe steps would be the correct verbiage. Ravi had first felt calm, his muscles weakening was almost relaxing… but now his heart was pounding in his chest. He could hear the blood pumping in his ears, and he knew Leo could hear it too. The light of the bathroom stung his eyes, but it took so much effort to try and shield them and even more effort to turn away from them. He wanted to burrow himself in his lover’s arms, but that took twice as much energy. As if Leo could feel Ravi’s mounting distress, he reached around and shut off the shower.

 

Carefully, Leo got both of them to their feet, holding tightly onto Ravi as he was completely dependent on Leo now. Ravi watched through clouded vision as Leo wrapped a fluffy white towel around him, skin tingling at the sensation of the cloth. He picked him up again and carried him to the bed, droplets of water falling from his hair onto Ravi’s body as he stood above him, each one felt more weighted than the last. 

Ravi wished he could see him better. Something about the tightness of Leo’s lips was wrong. The way his breath came in short pants instead of silent draws echoed over the sound of his heart. Ravi closed his eyes and attempted to catch his breath, but the rate his heart was beating made it impossible. The bed shifted beside him and when he opened his eyes again, everything was clear and Leo was there, looking back at him. 

 

Ravi could see he tears in the corner of his eyes, the quiver of his lip and the redness in his face. It was all he could see before his vision blurred again. He attempted to reach out again, his hand moving but an inch closer to Leo’s face. Ever so intuitive, Leo grabbed hold of him desperately.

 

“I’m dying.” Ravi croaked out, his eyes closed again.

 

Leo sobbed audibly, and Ravi could just barely feel the gentle tracing of Leo’s fingers on his cheeks, his jaw, and his neck. Leo touching him always made him feel safe, and now it was like his ascent into the afterlife was being watched over.

 

“This is progressing too quickly. I feel as though I could blink, and you'll have left me.” Leo sobbed. 

 

Thunder rolled outside, shaking the thin windows of the bedroom. Leo let out something like a wounded howl, and clenched at Ravi’s fingers more tightly. He felt himself slipping away, his consciousness seeping from him, and Leo felt it too. It was unlike him to beg, yet the pleas tumbled from his mouth as Ravi faded slowly.

 

“If I told you I loved you every moment of every day, would you still leave? I would tell you a thousand times a day if you'd let me.” He whispered, running his thumb over the other's chilled lips. 

 

Leo wasn't sure if they were cold from being outside too long, or for other reasons entirely. Leo shivered, but Ravi’s lips twitched up in a small smile.

 

“You're so amazing, Ravi. To go off and do this alone. To face your fears this way. I know I should only hope you're not hurting, but selfishly I hope your cocktail of death will not succeed and that you'll come back to me. Was this not our goal, to end this miserable life for you? Who am I try to and keep you for myself? That would only cause you more misery and pain.”

 

Ravi didn't make a move to respond, and Leo pressed more tightly on his fingers, willing him to say something. Instead Ravi's body tensed up, coiling in on himself. His eyes and mouth shot open with a long, bone-chilling cry. Then, before it started, it was over… Ravi’s body relaxed completely, dead weight in his bed.

 

Leo placed his other hand to Ravi’s chest where there was once a thunderous and palpable heartbeat. All that was left was a silent and empty space. There was no breath. No pulse.

 

He had done it.

 

Ravi was dead; peacefully taken by surprise; exactly what he wanted. Leo tried to be happy but all he could feel was grief. He could count on one hand how many people he had loved, but none of them the way he loved Ravi. It would stand to reason that this is why Leo felt like his heart had been ripped out.

 

His lover lay dead before him, bare and gorgeous in all his efforts. There was no blood, no mess to clean up like he had proclaimed so haughtily before. Ravi’s honey skin remained intact. He was a beautiful sight to see, enjoying the most peaceful sleep he had had in decades.

 

Leo pressed his lips to Ravi’s cool forehead, the warmth of his body draining from him quickly. Leo once again found himself aroused at such an untimely moment and he fixed the blankets around them. He wanted to keep what little warmth he had left of Ravi with him. His arms encased his lover tightly once again, and he tried to process the feeling of Ravi’s chest against his, showing no signs of life. No heartbeat, no warmth, nothing.

 

Something inside his stomach lurched as he ran his hands up the barely warm of the man it once was, blinking away the tears in his eyes. He'd committed a deep service to Ravi, but he hadn't anticipated the cost. Should he be so selfish to want Ravi alive when he clearly wanted nothing more than death? Should humans be so selfish to keep people alive who clearly wanted nothing to do with this life?

 

Leo thought not as he settled in to bed, pulling Ravi's body closer. They shouldn’t have ever been together in that capacity, but it was apparent that love, even their distorted version of it, was what Ravi needed.    
  
If Leo’s love brought Ravi to a clear and peaceful state of mind just to confirm that this was indeed the end, then so be it.    
  
If Leo would mourn the loss of his first and only love, at his own hand no less, then so be it. Leo felt it a small sacrifice, his momentary sadness for Ravi’s eternal happiness.

He pulled the blankets over their bodies, and closed his eyes. It took a moment, but Leo’s eyes blinked the tears away for the last time and he fell into a restful slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thabks for sticking around with me! I'm going to release an alt ending chapter that lines up with 'Fear' just to keep the house of horrors series on track. I am eady plotting the next room in that house, so stay tuned for another angsty filled fic.


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